"boys and girls in the red light district..
take them to my room and make the dirty boys blush..."
cant think fully with that line in my head... singing along, letting hate and despair seethe from the pores that keep me bound to this earthly plane. dancing, bobbing, singing, screaming... letting it out... alone, hateful...
things happen for a reason, but why? when do you find that reason, when do they. i'm tired of their ignorance, feigning smiles when all they do is hate each other. Words never to be spoken between lovers are shared on the pillow and off… tears are shed as words are punched through hearts. And yet they keep up the play, pretending for others sakes when all they do is ruin what they are trying to protect.
Love has become a laugh for this delicate soul, something never to be desired because of what has been witnessed. Solitude is yearned to insure that one will never be hurt this way. Excutses are made to try to hide this fact, to try to pretend that the porcelain façade of the family is true, that no cracks have been placed in it and that the superglue is melting in the hate that seeps from the heads.
Minnows in shark waters, fighting for a living, hiding amongst the predators behind another rpredator. Hate begot hate, pain begot pain, and love was never begottin in this household.
Don’t know how many times the thought crossed the delicates mind. Take a life, teach them what they are doing. Let them live for eternity damning themselves and each other over a wrothy and valid cause. But stupid moments make stupid decisions…. So the anger seethes and wraps around the fragil soul, feeding poison thoughts into the veins of the life tree… damage the roots, let it drift into the waves of hurt. Who can tell whats what anymore…
“I’m tired of this feeling”… a sentence I write quite a lot. I’ve never been more tired before til tonight. So sick of pretending everythings okay. So sick of faking the smile and acting like I’m a saint. Smiling has begun to hurt my soul. Its not real, its just not possible for me to be this happy when theres nothing to be happy about.
Cannot wait to get free. To be free of the anger and the hurt. My soul wants to float like a balloon into the atmosphere, pop and destroy itself rather then being destroyed by some wicked and twisted child with a safety pin. I’m master of my life, and yet this dog chain on my soul speaks otherwise. Ready to break the bonds and live myself. Live and be free.
I’m heartless because I didn’t cry as he left, didn’t cry as she did. I’m heartless because I’ve heard it all before and have just gone on pretending along with them that everythings okay. They have a love/hate relationship I said… but that’s a lie. They just hate each other and are scared of being alone. And me, of course, sees this and takes it the extreme. I don’t ever want to be like that so I’ll just be alone rather then unhappy and miserable for life. B ut in the end, I’m ending up just how I never wanted to be. This fucking life has no easy outs. Has no easy ins. You’re a shit out of luck while little miss irony twists her iron claws in your belly and licks at your intestines like you’re a fucky candy coated apple.
Gah, so many times I wish the razorblade was in my apple and not the childrens. How do you wash these thoughts from your body when they’ve been born into you. Ending up like everyone you’re around and yet telling yourself you’ll never end up that way.
So many turns, and yet just as many dead ends. Up is down, down is out, that way is wrong, this way never going anywhere. Fucking
Never reading this again, never teling whats really happening. Don’t care if anyones hurt, don’t care if curiousity flattens them with a piano. I just don’t fucking care anymore. I hate hate HATE when a hint isn’t taken. And I hate hate HATE that I guess that its just me. All the time, its fucking me. I blame everything on myself that I could have been more insistent, could have grown up sooner. I grew up long ago and am fighting for this childhood now. Emotionally I was killed, so I fight for anything that I have left in this shell.
Anything worth fighting for? I ask myself day in and day out. No true beauty in the heart, everythings painted on following the close little guide with the itty bitty numbers. No wonder why the 8’s painted as if it’s a 0. I hate the feelings that well in my chest, that cause it to tighten, stealing breath from sacs that desperately want to go both ways.
The feeling of wanting to be loved, and yet wanting to hate. How can both feelings exist so strongly in one being so adamant on giving up on them both altogether. Cannot disguise that fact that its all hypocritical, hypochondrical, “LOOK AT ME AND SEE THE REAL ME” bullshit. No better then anyone who willingly slits wrists with teeth of stars and fingers made by xacto.
So many feelings all at once, a sea swallowing jonah, not the whale. Something bigger wishing to break free form the ivory confines of the ebony being. So endless, so dark, so foreboding the soul that speaks of intimacy and hopefulness….
The abyss has swallowed the heart and soul, say goodbye as the new sun rises………………………..
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