contradictory

I’ve been feeling hopeless lately. Even after a trip, I still feel hopeless. Desolate. Lonely. I’m scared I’ll never amount to anything, scared I’ll never get to follow my dreams. I talk up myself that I don’t need love, that I’m fine being alone. But that’s where the contradictions begin. I want to hold someone and be held, yet I’m scared of the commitment. I’m awkward, shy, and clumsy. I don’t know how to talk to someone, how to flirt. I flirt naturally until I realize what I’m doing or if they are flirting back, and then I stop and get awkward again.

I’m so tired of lying to myself, but I’m so used to it I cant stop. Tell myself I like how I look, I like everything about me, but I don’t. Not always. Its hard to tell yourself what you hate about yourself.

I hate being like this. But I’m sick of faking like I’m strong. I’m sick of it. I smile and smile, but it doesn’t shine anymore. I’m not truly happy. I’m trying to replace this emptiness with material things, and because of this I’m getting myself into trouble. I cant afford this. Not financially, physically, emotionally or mentally. I’m tired of pretending I don’t care. Tired of pretending I’m ok. I’m not.

In the past two-three weeks alone, I’ve cried more then I used to in a year. I’m not happy. I’m depressed, lonely…. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to find someone to ease the lonliness, but I do wish I could. I don’t want people picking people out for me. To be honest, a lot of people I don’t trust their tastes.

But I’m so awkward, I’ll never meet them on my own. I just wish I had someone to hold me, to squeeze me when I need it. That’s all I truly want. S omeone who can look at me and think I’m gorgeous no matter what because they can see the love inside me. I don’t care about physical appearance, love me for me, my insides, my heart, my soul. And I honestly doubt I’ll ever find a love like that. Someone who can hug me and my days better. I’m easy like that. I don’t need diamonds, I don’t need jewelry, books, material items from someone to be happy. I just need someone who can provide the hugs I need. The words I need. They speak to me on so many levels…. But I’ll never find it.

I doubt it more and more everyday. I say its fine that I’m alone, and its not. I’m scared, deathly scared. I see and hear about people, and all they care about is ass, beauty and how much money is made. I’m tired of it. I’m not ready for sex. I may wake up somedays feening for it, for a touch I’ve never had, but its still not important. Loving touches, loving embraces, whispers, brushed of lips… that’s what I want. LOVE!

*sigh* I wish I could find it now, even though I say its okay if I don’t find it til I’m 40+. Its not. I’m lonely, right now… but I’m still scared.

I don’t know where my hearts going, where my heads going, or where I’m going. I just hope we are found soon and not lost much longer. My hope for my “lobster” is faltering. I’m so tired of sounding whiny, depressed, bitter. Especially when its self inflicted.

so many emotions going on inside me at once. so many hopes, dreams and contradictions. i'm a walking hypocrite...