How to digest ones bitter reality

It shouldn't be surprising to hear there are doubts again, that i've started questioning those that i call my friends.  Its a constant fear, a nagging worry that claws at the back of my mind and threatens to tear my heart into shreds.  I don't know why i keep on wanting to trust when i'm just meet with betrayal, doubt and loathing...  Never listened to, acknowledged, or even noticed.  This is the life i've developed as a living wallflower.  A perfect example of why one shouldn't just exist, but should instead LIVE.

Now that those chapters of my life have come to a close, i should be trying to figure out what i want out of life next. but everytime i come up with something, i realize that this presence i'm in is always going to hold back my future.  Money may not buy happiness, but it helps keep it at bay...  Got myself into trouble, financially, and i'm trying to fix it, yet it is taking forever and feels as if its suffocating me.

Things i used to love are no longer working as an outlet for me. it seems that everything it requiring more effort so its feeling more like a job rather then my escape.  Artwork, writing, traveling, dreaming... reality keeps crushing it all and making me realize that i need to find a way to stay afloat before i sink and take those around me down with me.

i'm a huge clusterf*&k of random thoughs, hopes, wonders...  I cant focus in JUST ONE thought anymore. They all cmoe running forward for their moment in the spot light.  Pages fill up as i try to rush and put everything down, high hopes that one day i'll be able to give them all the proper dedication they deserve...

i need to reinvent myself... been the same person for years now... the same hair style, the same body, the same dreams and attitude...  the outside is the easiest thing to change, and yet that never makes me feel whole for very long... how do i work on my inside when so many things are demanding my time & attention? So many unanswered questions.. but then again, maybe these questions arent supposed to have an answer...