A broken train of thought... (that became Bambers oriented)

I am grateful.  This trip my family took to Hawaii was much needed, especially for my soul.  I remembered what it was to be happy over nothing. To just naturally smile for no reason whatsoever.  Ive started to refind myself again, and that makes my soul bloom.

I find myself: sitting at my desk as I’m entering part lists; watching tv; outside with the dogs for potty breaks; laying in bed; driving; etc., and I just smile for no reason whatsoever. I’m just genuinely getting back to my naturally happy self. And this is wonderful. It’s a momentous occasion for me.

I’ve had a creative block for the past 12 years. Still have some of it and am struggling, BUT with this creative block I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety, losing sight of myself, forgetting what it means to be truly happy and forgetting to live in the moment. But thankfully, with this trip, I relearned what it meant to just sit down and enjoy all around me while I did nothing or wrote or read. Boards were pulled from my heart, from the walls Ive built around myself. I started to let myself feel again.

And yes, with this newfound rememberance of feelings, things hit harder. Bambs death hit harder. The tears come more frequently than before, but that’s because I’m letting myself feel instead of stuffing it down inside and letting it fester or trying to forget about it.  I let myself look for her til I remember that shes not here. Let myself remember what was hers and that roadtrips will never be the same. Sleep isn’t the same. Life will never be the same.

But then I remind myself that she taught me true love. She taught me how to look after another soul and to not be so selfish and narcissistic. She taught me how it feels to not be alone and to be loved unconditionally. Our bond was… is unique. To others she was just a dog or was ‘springs pooch’. To me, she was my child, my best friend, my soul mate.

She loved me no matter what I did. She knew when I was upset and comforted me. She never wanted anything but love, kisses, hugs, treats and food. And I was more than happy to comply. We shared everything.

I’m smiling through tears right now as I remember the times we would drive north and we would share an ice cream cone as I drove. Id have a few licks, then would reach over to her in her car seat and let her have a few licks and so on. To many this was disgusting, unsanitary, unheard of. To me, it was sharing with my loved one. It was the simplest thing, but it made us both so happy.  

When we first got her, she was terrified of car rides. TERRIFIED. She would try to hide under the seats, burrow, anything she could to pretend she wasn’t in the car. But when we stopped, oh how she would love looking out the window or going exploring. As she got older (and my parents stopped smoking, we found out it was the windows cracked for their cigarette smoke that terrified her) she started to LOVE car rides. She would actually run out to the garage and climb into the car and into her car seat that I got her. (And let me tell you, that was the best $50 I ever spent. I still have that car seat too. Its been through some tough times, but I still have it.)  She would just look at me and whine, excited to get on the road. She was the best lil navigator and made my car trips enjoyable. And when I was the passenger in a car trip, she would lay in my arms like a baby. She HAD to be cuddled with momma no matter what.

And this is where the downfall of writing at work comes in. I’ve lost the tangent, the thought that sparked this piece. Lost where I was, where I wanted to go with it. I can’t be interrupted while I’m ‘on a roll’ because I will lose where I was at, will lose the energy and the drive that propelled me to write. And then I’m stuck with a barely finished thought. A ghost of what I wanted to create. But I guess it also means that I will just have to immerse myself into that moment again at a later time. See what I create then and where it takes me. Always two sides to a situation: the light and the dark.

(also, sorry for the post being all over the place and same with pictures. i'm at work, so couldn't edit it properly.)