I sit here & wonder:
Why am I so fearful?
Why can't let myself give in?
Why can't I figure out what exactly it is I want & need?
There are just so many things going on in my head, in my heart. I'm confused & lonely. I'm accustomed to being alone, & yet, i'm aching & longing for someone. I have an unlimited supply of love within me, & no outlets. *sigh*
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Ive always been someone overly empathetic. Crying, feeling, hurting, etc when its other peoples problems. Idk what to do because spmetimes, it actually hinders me from living. Oh, the irony!
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Got to do egg hunt with the Nutter Butter!!! He was so cute & show offy!! Haha. He got spoiled by the easter bunny. & grandma & grandpa Hyde got him a new Cars backpak, which he used to put eggs. Lol
Now watching Marley & Me. LOL
Ciao!!!
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I'm sitting here @ Becky's, waiting to get my hair done. Just sorta aline with my thoughts. Kinda scary. Lol
I'm scared @ the moment of whats ahead with Flagstaff & NAU. What if i'm not ready. What if i fail miserably. I'm so scared. Especially because of how my parents are. It's so stressful. I need to do this for myself, but they make me feel like its happening more for them.
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On way to laser hair removal w/mum & im soo friggin naseus its ridiculous!! But its hr drivin too. Ugh. & we've already argued bcuz i splurged on myself & got this itouch. Whatever.
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On way to laser hair removal w/mum & im soo friggin naseus its ridiculous!! But its hr drivin too. Ugh. & we've already argued bcuz i splurged on myself & got this itouch. Whatever.
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Im sick so damn much & it annoys the hell out of me. I would love for once to not be tired, to not have a headache, to not be dizzy or lightheaded or have balance issues. Id love to not have stomach issues w/ everything i eat, & same with heartburn.
Ive been trying 2 workout & i do good, but something always happens to cancel the good. & i have such issues with eating. Im always damn hungry, but i dont have time, patience, $ or ingredients to be making what i should be eating. I just feel like im stuck in a damn vicious cycle.
& then my apartment is another story. I het nowhere w/this fucking place. No wonder im so stressed & depressed all the time. Grrr!!! & when i ask for some fucking help, when im so damn desperate that im sucking up my pride & asking for a hand, NO ONE helps. They say they will but never do.
Just so fucking tired of it all. I really am.
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Had a dream that I came home and I had the ants back in my bathroom, but they were now going into my bedroom (all over floor but never on bed). I went in to lay down my trap that I have that I know works. I felt a bite on my lower right shin and one on my upper left shin, just below my knee. I just brushed at them and ended up smearing red stuff on my leg. I didn’t know what it was so I backed out fast. Somehow kahvi had gotten out of her cage so I threw her back in and took bambs into the living room onto the couch. While on there, I saw that there started to be red ants mixed in with the black. That’s when I realized that the red ants are what bit me.
Well when I look down and see both ant parties massing together and starting to fully cover my floor, I call my parents freaking out. My mom takes the phone from my dad and hangs up on me, only to call back a few minutes later asking “what the hell do you want?” when I look down again, I see that kahvi has gotten out yet again. So I pick her up and go to throw her in the top portion of the cage into the hammock with fahr when I see that there are already two little bodies there. Somehow I had mistaken a baby skunk (have no clue how) for kahvi earlier and threw her in. I throw kahvi in anyways and they all cuddle. I go back to my perch on the sofa and ottoman and start to see that the red ants are moving in swarms within the black ants. You can literally see red circles of ants moving in tune together through the black ants. Then they start to become balls, rolling through them and piling up into a mass pile.
At that point, I woke up and was kinda freaked out. There was actually a beginning of this dream, where I think I was out with people and I had come home, but I don’t fully remember that. This is what I remember. Lol…
I feel so lost, so hopeless and like I’m drowning. I’ve done shitty this school semester. But a lot of things came up that really screwed me up. Big time. A trip I didn’t even really want to take. Coming back and working 10 hour days almost because yolz wasn’t here and my “help” were no help at all. Its just shit, shit, shit. So I’m struggling to try and catch up in what few classes I’m still remaining in. its just not right. I wish I didn’t have to take classes anymore. I wish I could just work full time. That is, sadly, what I’d really like right now. Just to work. Ah, how thatd be nice… and how nice itd be to be able to get ahead on my damn bills. All my money disappears somewhere and I just don’t know where. So many things I need/want. And yet I cant get any of it. Driving me nucking futs!! *sigh* it feels neverending.
I wonder how I will be up at NAU, ya know? Wonder if I’ll be able to hack it. I hope I can. I really want to be up there. But I just don’t know anymore…
Howd I know no one would come? Theyd all cancel and w/lame excuses. And not only that, but they’ve known for days and wouldn’t tell me. What the hell? Took me to text them to say what the hell.
I’m getting sick and tired of people doing this to me. Tired of giving and getting nothing. But that will never change. I’m just too nice. I’ll always give in. Well, always on certain things. Lol.. I’m not stupid, just easily hurt and duped.
*sigh*
(more written in a few)
I sit here and try to figure out if what I'm aiming for in life is going to work out for me. Try to figure out if I’m setting myself in the right direction. And that’s when I listen to my heart. It beats the truth for me, beats my life out one solitary beat at a time.
(working, will finish later)
I’ve been feeling hopeless lately. Even after a trip, I still feel hopeless. Desolate. Lonely. I’m scared I’ll never amount to anything, scared I’ll never get to follow my dreams. I talk up myself that I don’t need love, that I’m fine being alone. But that’s where the contradictions begin. I want to hold someone and be held, yet I’m scared of the commitment. I’m awkward, shy, and clumsy. I don’t know how to talk to someone, how to flirt. I flirt naturally until I realize what I’m doing or if they are flirting back, and then I stop and get awkward again.
I’m so tired of lying to myself, but I’m so used to it I cant stop. Tell myself I like how I look, I like everything about me, but I don’t. Not always. Its hard to tell yourself what you hate about yourself.
I hate being like this. But I’m sick of faking like I’m strong. I’m sick of it. I smile and smile, but it doesn’t shine anymore. I’m not truly happy. I’m trying to replace this emptiness with material things, and because of this I’m getting myself into trouble. I cant afford this. Not financially, physically, emotionally or mentally. I’m tired of pretending I don’t care. Tired of pretending I’m ok. I’m not.
In the past two-three weeks alone, I’ve cried more then I used to in a year. I’m not happy. I’m depressed, lonely…. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to find someone to ease the lonliness, but I do wish I could. I don’t want people picking people out for me. To be honest, a lot of people I don’t trust their tastes.
But I’m so awkward, I’ll never meet them on my own. I just wish I had someone to hold me, to squeeze me when I need it. That’s all I truly want. S omeone who can look at me and think I’m gorgeous no matter what because they can see the love inside me. I don’t care about physical appearance, love me for me, my insides, my heart, my soul. And I honestly doubt I’ll ever find a love like that. Someone who can hug me and my days better. I’m easy like that. I don’t need diamonds, I don’t need jewelry, books, material items from someone to be happy. I just need someone who can provide the hugs I need. The words I need. They speak to me on so many levels…. But I’ll never find it.
I doubt it more and more everyday. I say its fine that I’m alone, and its not. I’m scared, deathly scared. I see and hear about people, and all they care about is ass, beauty and how much money is made. I’m tired of it. I’m not ready for sex. I may wake up somedays feening for it, for a touch I’ve never had, but its still not important. Loving touches, loving embraces, whispers, brushed of lips… that’s what I want. LOVE!
*sigh* I wish I could find it now, even though I say its okay if I don’t find it til I’m 40+. Its not. I’m lonely, right now… but I’m still scared.
I don’t know where my hearts going, where my heads going, or where I’m going. I just hope we are found soon and not lost much longer. My hope for my “lobster” is faltering. I’m so tired of sounding whiny, depressed, bitter. Especially when its self inflicted.
