i have changed, and definitely not for the better. I used to be more up on sending emails, cards, calling people, keeping things updated, downloading and reading manga and so much more. and after the first 4 months of this year and a half, all that changed. I still don't know why or how. I still have my dreams, but being up here, while living them, i still didn't feel complete. i actually let so many other things overpower me. i let myself disappear.
How do i recover myself? how do i reinstate myself into this world that i've let myself just stand there and watch it all go by? there are so many things i'm scared of, and i just don't know how to conquer them. i try to talk to people, i try to figure things out, i try to change myself... and yet none of it works. all it causes is strife and arguements and misunderstandings. Its the reason i prefer to do things on my own and keep things to myself. and yet i can't anymore. things have built up so much that i cannot keep it in. but i don't like letting it all out. the wrong people get upset, the wrong people speak out, the wrong people get hurt....
being a grownup sucks in so many ways... and yet, i feel like i'll never be allowed to be a grownup except by my birthday. No one takes me seriously and always talks down to me. i hate confrontations and can never stand up for myself properly... How can i make people see me how i want to be seen? as an adult trying to make grown up decisions...
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