Am I Looking at Stars Underneath You?

These past few days, my heart has been tearing apart. I've thought about what needs to be done, what's been done and what should have been done. I'm being pulled in fifty-million directions and there's nowhere for me to hide to breathe. My hands shake with each letter I type, my eyes burn as each truth is carefully and painstakingly brought into reality. How did I let myself get into these situations? How did I let my heart get torn from the cavity of my soul?

Why didn't I say no and keep things to myself? So badly do I want to share and let myself pour open in hope that someone will care and lend an ear and not judge. How badly I have been proven wrong.

But these faceless people that I have meet, have proven to be what I need. They've shared with me and listened to me, but I don't wish to take advantage of it all. Take advantage and lose those freshly built friendships.

Ill educated, but loving to learn. Hate being corrected, even though I know I was wrong. I'm a walking hypocrite, a walking time-bomb. How can I get others to stand being around me, when I criticize everything I've done or said when no ones around? I'm told I'm witty, but I don't believe it. I hear or read what I've said, and I think to myself, "I sound childish, like the people I do not wish to have in my life, and yet I'm running away from them and not myself."

I don't know how to be real around people. I don't know what its like to carry on an intellectual conversation with people. No one wishes to learn about the other cultures I've read up on or to share information that they've learned. Its always conversations of no real importance. Movies, TV, BOYS… yes, those are good to talk about, but not all the time. Entice me, provoke me, challenge me. Those are the real things I look for…

Dating has never been big with me, neither has crushing on people. I drove myself towards one person in high school because I feared losing the person I had become in Junior high, someone who I shouldn't have been proud of.

And because of this, I lost sight of the few who treated me right. I clouded them out of my eyes as just friends. Or I talked them into dating my friends who liked them. I never believed I was anyone's type. Never believed anyone when they complimented me or wanted to go out with me. I had many doubts about who I was as a person. People tried to boost my esteem, but now, I don't think they ever really believed it. So many things are happening now to where I am starting to regret things in my past.

I put my happiness last. I believed that friends would always be the only thing I needed. That has proved fatally wrong. And now that I've realized this, its too late for the one someone who I think would have been perfect. Now I'm trying to track him down. If not to release my heart, to at least have him back in my life.

When he was around me, he was different. I could tell he was being himself. He walked me to class when his class was in another building or just down the hall. But he always walked me to class first. I always saw it as a friendship thing, nothing more. And the more and more I think about everything, the more I realized he was hinting, trying to become more than a friend. But why couldn't I see it? I was clouding my judgment, clouding those who saw me and liked what they saw. Never believed I was anyone's type, had low self esteem, even though I faked I didn't.

I've learned to lie to myself while I lie to others. A tricky feat, and one that's coming undone. I no longer wish to see myself the way I want to be seen. I'm seeing myself as I am, and I'm not happy. Now I'm putting myself first and am not putting up with what I used to. I'm coming off as a bitch, but I don't care anymore, my happiness is what I should be striving for. I have to put up with myself all the time, so I need to become what I want to become. A better person. I need too look after myself better and take better care of my sanity and my health. No more bowing down to others. I have a lot to accomplish before I start my new life up at NAU. And I'm getting to the point where I wish I had someone, HIM, to share it with.

I know I keep bringing him up, but he's all that's on my mind now. He changed, and people didn't like him, but I still did. I've been looking at his pictures, and keep wishing I could have tried to be with him, see what it was like. He did small little things that people made fun of about him, but to me, they were the greatest. He showed that he cared for others more than himself, and he was walked all over. And in the end, he became something that others despised, yet he was true to himself. It was beauty walking.