Why, in my world, is it so much easy to not do, than to conquer? Important, needs done now tasks take a lifetime to get accomplished. But isn’t that how life should be? Enjoying it? Putting what needs to be done on hold to enjoy all that’s around you for just a little longer? In this world, where things can happen in the blink of an eye, do you want to go without enjoying it? Reality has started snapping its fingers in front of me, making me realize that the truth of the matter is that I need to live this life for myself. Live it to the fullest until someone comes along who will depend on me.
But how do I live when my idea of living is different from the worlds, from colleagues, from almost everyone? Sitting outside, listening to the rain or reading a good book curled up with my dog is the absolute relaxation and nirvana for me. Its reality bursting to the rim that makes me adore these small moments more and more.
But these moments when I’m alone, procrastinating on homework with no one to talk to, do I realize how lonely I am. I put up a half & half front, pretending I’m absolutely happy with how I am, who I am, and where I am. But in reality, my heart breaks when i read or watch something, and see those lonely embraces that wipe away all evil and bad lurking thoughts or feelings. That one action, I never realize, is very important in a persons existence. I never realized it until I stopped receiving them. As childish as it is, I haven’t received a hug from someone other my family or close, almost sister, friend in, well, almost never.
It’s a luxury I’ve never had, a luxury that I always overlooked, thinking it was overrated, and now, when I need it most, I’m scared. I’m alone. I’ve cut out anyone who made me feel like I didn’t matter, and am left with practically no one. I’ve always been alone, just with one or two close friends, who when i was younger weren’t really friends. And now, I’m alone again. I should be used to it, and I am, but I’m still lonesome. I still long for a warm body to hold me, or let me hold them. So many possibilities lying in wait in this frame, I don’t know how to handle. I’m losing my sense on reality, slipping behind in duties that need to be done, and I can’t tell anyone.
How do you tell people around you that you’re lonely, that you wish with all your might someone would force themselves into your life that wouldn’t make you flee? That just looking in their eyes, hearing their voice, their thoughts, opinions, words and seeing their smile would keep you coming back for more? A hopeless romantic in a cynics universe. No one will ever be good enough, because I won’t just settle. I won’t let someone belittle me the way I’ve seen others let it be done. I don’t want to be ruled and I don’t want to rule. I want an equal relationship with hopeless, endless, forever binding devotion. I want someone that I could just lose myself in endless conversations about nothing, but about everything. A relationship with competitiveness, but not wanting to outdo each other on everything. I want someone who can smile and laugh and joke about absolutely nothing, who will laugh at me in a good way and make me feel better when I make a stupid joke.
I need someone who will let me hold them, or who will just want to hold me. Someone who’s grown up, but not too grown up to where they cant enjoy all the small pleasures that are left to be experienced in our world, both together and alone. There are so many things to be shared, so many things to be learned, but where do you find someone to meet these expectations.
I’ve always hated trying to list the perfect partner for me, because I felt like I was being too picky and that I was narrowing the field for me. But to be honest, the secrets of the heart cannot be learned until the owner is willing to start recognizing them. The mind is the greatest thing one needs to look for. Without a mind, without knowledge, life gets dull. And a good smile is always a plus.
But really, where do I look? Should I look? Should I even care? I’ve acted like I don’t care all along, should I just keep up with it, or should I start to be honest? And who do I be honest with? There’s no one left in my life. Everyone is getting cut out because of their dishonesty with me, so who do I turn to? Who do I run to when my tears become to much for my lids to bear, and who do I run to when all the weight in my world becomes too much for my shoulders to bear?
In a world where loneliness is the new pink, what do I do? How do I admit to people that I am scared of becoming a spinster? I’m scared of never loving, never being loved and never sharing love. I’m scared of never sharing this heart, this heart that’s begun to beat and cry so frantically in my chest. But I don’t want to be desperate, I don’t want to settle, I don’t want just anyone. I want someone who will help me forget all those who need forgetting. Someone who will help me see all the stars in the sky, and in their eyes.
Someone who can whisper nothings to me that will mean the world to me. The perfect man is out there somewhere. But I don’t know where, and rejection has me so scared, that I’m too frightened to go out and look. See the good in everyone, but what if all I’m seeing is my naivety reflected off their hidden meanings, setting myself up for heartbreak over and over.
How do I love when I’ve never even been in love before? I know I’ve thought I was, but now I know that wasn’t real love. There was no way that could have been real love, because real love should only be able to be shared between two people. It should be two way, not one. But how do you tell the world that? How do you tell anyone that? And how do you know when you are truly in love? Do you have to lie to your mind? To your Eyes? To your heart? Can you lie to yourself? How do you conquer the loneliness?
I don’t know what to do anymore. My heart doesn’t know which way to go. So many doubts are swimming in my head, I don’t know which way is right anymore. I don’t know what would make me happy, and I don’t know where to look for all these answers.
I’m simply a hypocritical, fool wandering around in this love impoverished world, looking for the missing chunks of a heart and finding nothing in return.
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