Where is this path leading...

I sit here, wondering if my choices are the right ones or am i going to have some drastic consequences that i must deal with in the near future. I've started doubting myself and my ability to handle every day normal tasks. it seems, anymore, that i'm incapable of handling normal, stressful situations.

This scares me for one simple reason. During one of these 'episodes', am i going to do something more that i would regret, or may not even have the chance to regret.

I pretend that i'm strong, that i am nothing but strength behind every one of these walls that i've built up. and yet when it comes down to me and only me, i break down, showing my true vulnerability to no one...

I've always been a hypocritical mess, but lately, its been stronger in more and more aspects of my life then before. I don't want someone, and yet i desperately want someone to pour myself into. and its not how people want someone in their life to have someone. no, i need someone in my life. i need someone to pour my soul out to, to hug me when i need it most, to accept me and all my faults (every vast number of them)... i want to be loved unconditionally, not just loved for how i seem. i want someone to know every dark secret of me, every stupid moment and emotion, and know that all i'm looking for is someone to listen and hug me. i want a best friend/soul mate far more then the intimacy that so many people are hunting for now a days...

and i hate being like that. I am awkward, uncomfortable and stubborn. i don't know how to change my ways, and i'm not entirely sure that i want to. its so easy being along and how i've been for so long, that i don't know if i can be any other way. but i also don't want to miss out on life like i've been... i haven't lived, and that is truly what scares me the most. if i were to die now, there is nothing to show for it. i haven't graduated, i have hardly lived on my own, i have no children, no loves, no published works, nothing. i haven't traveled, loved, shared, helped, nothing. i have simply... existed...

how can one change when they don't know how to change or how they want to change?

Tired of being an option

"Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option"

So tired of realizing how much I am an option in peoples lives. I'm supposed to be these peoples person they always turn to, the one that they spill and vent to and i know every dark side of them. And yet, this past week, i have been nonexistant. I have no clue whats going on in their lives. I text and call and nothing until a brief 15 minutes before they fall asleep.

I don't like the feeling of being replaceable. Thats not what this is supposed to be. I'm sick and tired of this. I understand that there are things going on in your life, yet when i'm having a bad day, you hate it when i don't message you. I can't stand for this hypocrisy. It sickens me and just ruins my health and mentality. Its like being in a relationship with someone who only wants you there when its convenient for them.

I just don't know what to do. I can't fully confront this person, and yet, all i do is hurt and cry over this situation. its unfair to me and maybe a little bit selfish, but i just don't understand why only certain things i can be there for you and then you decide suddenly that i can't be there for the rest.

You've always been a priority to me even when i was an option and i thought things had changed these past few years. Oh reality, how your bitchslap stings....

When one dream is destroyed, another rises from its ashes

No longer am i attending NAU, the school i've been dreaming of for over a decade. I'm no longer living in Flagstaff, AZ, a gorgeous town that i once called home. It is a beautiful place, one that i wish i would have had more time to take advantage of, wish i would have been more financially set to truly enjoy.
But the end of this dream isn't necessarily a bad one. I'm moving back home, 2 hours south to Phoenix, AZ. Back amongst friends, where theres more jobs available and where you can get much nicer housing for lower rent. I am getting my old job back (which i loved) and am moving in wiht a very good friend and will still be doing community college. I still plan on getting my degrees and having a life. I'm almost 28 and i need to focus on keeping me happy along with my long term goals.
Since i've moved to flag, i've experienced some amazing things, but i have also gained back all the weight i lost and have become very depressed and a huge jumble of very messed up emotions and whatnot.
It progressively got worse after my dear friend Dusti passed earlier this year. She was almost a year younger then me and she had just given birth to her only child not even a week before she passed. While being up in Flag, i didn't come downn and see alot of friends that i said i would because no one went up to see me. I had started feeling isolated, which does a lot of damage to a persons mentality. During this time, i was supposed to see Dusti, go to her babyshower, give her her birthday and christmas gifts i had for her, and yet i never did. in the entire year that i had moved until she passed, i saw her maybe twice. After that, my depression got worse and i started missing my friends and family more.
So that is part of the reason i had decided to move back. To rebuild these once strong bonds. To try and spend more time with friends and family, to watch my nephew and godsons grow up. but at the same time, be around my 'village' while i still pursued my dreams.
Whereas i feel like i've abandoned my original dream, i still have parts of it that i'm intent on making happend, and i'm trying to make sure that i remember that i'm moving for a new dream, not abandoning the old one completely.
But trying to convince yourself of the truth sometimes is much harder then one would think. Only time will tell if this is the right decision and it will help me how i need to be helped. i need to be strong in order to get where i can get the help that i need. Never was there an oxymoron so opposite and yet so true...
For now, i'm hoping to get some sleep so i can start the long long process of packing up and restarting my life. Truly hope that things will turn out better then i'm anticipating...

Fingers crossed for now,
This 'Ugly' Ducklin'

Pre-gaming... For the Zombie apocalypse:

In case of zombie outbreak, grab all possible food, pots/pans, drinks, medical supplies, a stash of memories (preferably the size of a shoebox), batteris, writing supplies (trust me, lol), tools (wrenches, screwdrivers, etc. they can be used as weapons and help break down/build new weapons), gps systems AND mapbooks, pillows, blankets and clothes. Lock your house up tight (in case of necessity of having to go back), and head towards the reservation on baseline. meet at the powerplant in said area and we shall caravan to safety. tough vehicles ahead and one behind and designate passenger and supply vehicles. :) Thats right, i've thought about this... 0.o

Also, just like when someone is about to have a baby, have a small suitcase packed just in preparedness. Nothing skimpy because there is no time for modesty, but nothing that will trip you up. As great as sandals are, this is not the beach and you cannot afford to worry about stepping on something or open wounds on your feet when in a fight. Combat boots are yet another great invention. Also, when in doubt, trash bags can be used for luggage (& in this case doubles as a bed), for trash removal, for weapons, supplies, slip covers, and so on. lighters and plenty of them. aersol may be bad for the ozone, but teamed with a lighter and it can save your ass. Martha stewart isnt just for crafts and the home, but can be used as inspiration for weapons and in the middle of a fight.

And its wise to either follow the Zombieland rules... or use them as a guideline. :)

1. Cardio
2. The Double Tap
3. Beware of Bathrooms
4. Wear Seat Belts
5. No Attachments
6. The “Skillet”
7. Travel Light
8. Get a Kick Ass Partner
9. With your Bare Hands
10. Don’t Swing Low
11. Use Your Foot
12. Bounty Paper Towels
13. Shake it Off
14. Always carry a change of underwear
15. Bowling Ball
16. Opportunity Knocks
17. Don’t be a hero (later crossed out to be a hero)
18. Limber Up
19. Break it Up
20. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, unless it’s a sprint, then sprint
21. Avoid Strip Clubs
22. When in doubt Know your way out
23. Zipplock
24. Use your thumbs
25. Shoot First
26. A little sun screen never hurt anybody
27. Incoming!
28. Double-Knot your Shoes
29. The Buddy System
30. Pack your stain stick
31. Check the back seat
32. Enjoy the little things
33. Swiss army Knife

And on this 'note', there will be more pregaming to come in the future... just think about it.. and prepare... ;)

What was I thinking...

I don't know what i've been thinking... lots of things are just running through my mind. EVERYTHING and yet nothing at all. I'm scared of whats going on and whats going to happen... Where do i run, who do i run to? i've got a lot that i need to spill, and yet i don't want to... my body is shutting itself up.

Self Destructive...

When will these ashes reignite....

time and time again, i've let my stubborness be my control.
someone says i cant do it, and i make sure and do it.
but lately, it seems like i can't do anything.

the way i'm viewed by others makes me feel like i've got a mask on myself to hide from myself and that everyone else sees this 'true' me.
I hate doubting myself.
Hate feeling like i'm nothing, worthless, horrible...
a mistake....

But then again, i've always thought my being here was a mistake.
Nature should have ran its course with me like it did with all my lost brothers and sisters...
I'm the rift in this world thats messed everything up and the fates are trying to correct this rift, but without getting their hands dirty.

its hard when it seems like everyone, everything is against you.
cares for you when its convenient, yells at you because you're there and they know that you'll take it.
I'm taken for granted, i'm used, i'm forgotten, i'm ignored, i'm despised....
i'm miserable.....

i'm trying to grasp onto things in this world to keep me here... but each time i find something, it slips between my fingers and i find that i have nothing.
so i go buy new things to try to keep me anchored to this world....
A temporary fix to an epic problem....

what does one do when they feel that their birth, their existence, everything about them....
has been all a lucky chance, a mistake nature didnt catch in time.....
in some ways, i wish nature would fix this problem because i havent the strength or courage to...

eternity....

Today i've realized that this torture in my life is going to last for an.... eternity.... Screaming, yelling, flinging names in my face. Being ugly to my body and my soul, and yet you expect me to turn around and just laugh it off. My scars are invisisble, but they were all inflicted by you. I hope you know what you've done. this soul you've slowly suffocated with each crushing insult. YOu never step back and look at what you possibly did to cause any reactions brought from me or worse.
Who indeed is the one that needs to grow up? Yes, my callous words are flung behind your back, but they are done so with good intentions. Never do i want you to look at me and instead of seeing me, you see my lips muttering those UGLY words. See that anger in my eyes even when i'm desperately trying to hide them in hopes that i don't tarnish what is supposed ot be a perfect image of what we are supposed to have and what is supposed to be our security...

how can you sacrifice that, for a few mere words....

Personal Value in Recreation & Leisure

okay, here is what i generally need for this assignment:

brief description of yourself, your job (if you have one), your age, if you are in school, what your days/weeks r like, etc... basically background because i will be combining everything into a sort of report/essay/story of individuals that i use for the assignment. :)

Personal Values in Recreation and Leisure Assignment

Interview ONE person from THREE different age groups listed below:

12-17 || 18-24 || 25-35 || 36-45 || 46-55 || 56-65 || 66+

Ask them about their recreational and leisure attitudes and behaviors. Be sure to include:
*the importance of recreation and leisure in their lives.
*list activities they currently participate in. (& why they are participating in these activities)
*activities they would like to participate in (why or why not).
*their views about the importance of work and recreation in their lives.
*do they wish for more time for work and/or recreation
*some fears/hindrances that are keeping them from activities/recreation/leisure
*Personal definition of recreation/leisure
*Personal purposes/reasons for participating in recreation/leisure/work
*Ideal recreation/leisure experience/activity
*Ideal schedule for life (will fit in with all questions above)
*Personal outlook/philosophy on life/recreation/leisure
(Here are some definitions from my class on types of philosophy:
Perennialism: Life is constant and unchanging, and eternal truth exists.
Idealism: Individuals act according to what they believe in, regardless of what people think
of the consequences of their actions. Reality is defined by each individual.
Realism: Believe that objects have an existence independent of human consciousness of
them. What you see is what you get.
Pragmatism: View the world as constantly changing. An idea is not true unless it is tested.
Experimentalism: Suggest the world is ever-changing. They are interested in what works.
Existentialism: Life is a world of existing, of personal choice, subjective choice and freedom.
Humanism: Deals with the actions and thought processes that focus on human interests and
values. It is opposite to Perennialism.

(more questions added 831pm 4/10/10):
*What are your expectations of someone who works in the Parks & recreation/Leisure field? (eg. Park rangers, activity leaders, event coordinators, etc)
*What are your expectations (if any) of services, accomodations, equipment, etc that should/shouldnt be provided by Parks & Rec/Leisure field professionals &/or organizations (national parks, local parks, etc)

Type a report on each interview and then summarize any similarities or differences between the interviewees. Speculate as to the reasons for these similarities or differences. Your summary is critical to successfully completing this assignment.


This is basically my assingment (i added to some of the questions... hoping format is right!!). But any information that you can provide me would be helpful. even anything thats not on here. and if you don't feel comfortable posting here, you can email me at: sch59@nau.edu (thats my school email so it would be perfect since its an assignment. haha) or you can message me on here. thanks you for any help you can provide and i'll love you guys LONG TIME!!

Good things take time...

How true this is... It's been eight years in the making, but i'm finally here @ NAU: ill prepared, in debt, hopeful and stubborn. I don't know how i'm going to do, don't know if i'm going to run screaming and just give up on it all or push myself to the brink & succeed to prove that i could do it. But I do know that this year and what i'm doing now, i'm going to make the best of it and enjoy it. Going to try to keep a positive outlook on life & keep myself out of trouble (well, big trouble anyways).

I have myself a list of resolutions that i plan on working on. So far, i've been sticking to the pretty easy things. Now, i need to tackle the bigger things. :) But that shouldn't be too hard. I mean, really.... what do i have to lose? As soon as i get my apartment, things will be getting MUCH better. I am confident on that. But now, i need to look for a job. lol Have my second interview at Torrid tomorrow, but they won't be hiring for a little bit. The same thing goes for most of downtown Flagstaff. No one will be hiring until May, when things pick up. So now i'm going to have to suck it up, build a resume and start handing it out because i need a job NOW. But again, i am confident that i will find something. Just hope its something i will enjoy and that i am best at. IE: dealing with customers. :)

I plan on trying to finally update this blog more often then i have been. Hopefully AT LEAST once a week. It'd be ideal if i could do it much more often, but i won't lie. lol It most likely won't happen. But for now, i bid goodnight. I must finish a few assignments and some readings and go crash.

Until i find time again,
Seasonal

Blah!

Trying to find time to update this amongst others... But keeping twitter updated. :) but then again, that is a little easier.. come one... text from phone? oh yeah! but methinks i may need a blackberry or something soon.. wish i could get an iphone with sprint... :(

A Kaleidescope Of Dreams

I sit here & wonder:

Why am I so fearful?
Why can't let myself give in?
Why can't I figure out what exactly it is I want & need?

There are just so many things going on in my head, in my heart. I'm confused & lonely. I'm accustomed to being alone, & yet, i'm aching & longing for someone. I have an unlimited supply of love within me, & no outlets. *sigh*

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Emotionaly Tired

Ive always been someone overly empathetic. Crying, feeling, hurting, etc when its other peoples problems. Idk what to do because spmetimes, it actually hinders me from living. Oh, the irony!

Geolocate this post.

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Happy Easter!!!

Got to do egg hunt with the Nutter Butter!!! He was so cute & show offy!! Haha. He got spoiled by the easter bunny. & grandma & grandpa Hyde got him a new Cars backpak, which he used to put eggs. Lol

Now watching Marley & Me. LOL

Ciao!!!

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Waiting For Colors

I'm sitting here @ Becky's, waiting to get my hair done. Just sorta aline with my thoughts. Kinda scary. Lol

I'm scared @ the moment of whats ahead with Flagstaff & NAU. What if i'm not ready. What if i fail miserably. I'm so scared. Especially because of how my parents are. It's so stressful. I need to do this for myself, but they make me feel like its happening more for them.

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Very Blah!!

On way to laser hair removal w/mum & im soo friggin naseus its ridiculous!! But its hr drivin too. Ugh. & we've already argued bcuz i splurged on myself & got this itouch. Whatever.

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Very Blah!!

On way to laser hair removal w/mum & im soo friggin naseus its ridiculous!! But its hr drivin too. Ugh. & we've already argued bcuz i splurged on myself & got this itouch. Whatever.

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So Tired Of Being Sick

Im sick so damn much & it annoys the hell out of me. I would love for once to not be tired, to not have a headache, to not be dizzy or lightheaded or have balance issues. Id love to not have stomach issues w/ everything i eat, & same with heartburn.

Ive been trying 2 workout & i do good, but something always happens to cancel the good. & i have such issues with eating. Im always damn hungry, but i dont have time, patience, $ or ingredients to be making what i should be eating. I just feel like im stuck in a damn vicious cycle.

& then my apartment is another story. I het nowhere w/this fucking place. No wonder im so stressed & depressed all the time. Grrr!!! & when i ask for some fucking help, when im so damn desperate that im sucking up my pride & asking for a hand, NO ONE helps. They say they will but never do.

Just so fucking tired of it all. I really am.

Geolocate this post.

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"Ant"-sy Dream

Had a dream that I came home and I had the ants back in my bathroom, but they were now going into my bedroom (all over floor but never on bed). I went in to lay down my trap that I have that I know works. I felt a bite on my lower right shin and one on my upper left shin, just below my knee. I just brushed at them and ended up smearing red stuff on my leg. I didn’t know what it was so I backed out fast. Somehow kahvi had gotten out of her cage so I threw her back in and took bambs into the living room onto the couch. While on there, I saw that there started to be red ants mixed in with the black. That’s when I realized that the red ants are what bit me.

Well when I look down and see both ant parties massing together and starting to fully cover my floor, I call my parents freaking out. My mom takes the phone from my dad and hangs up on me, only to call back a few minutes later asking “what the hell do you want?” when I look down again, I see that kahvi has gotten out yet again. So I pick her up and go to throw her in the top portion of the cage into the hammock with fahr when I see that there are already two little bodies there. Somehow I had mistaken a baby skunk (have no clue how) for kahvi earlier and threw her in. I throw kahvi in anyways and they all cuddle. I go back to my perch on the sofa and ottoman and start to see that the red ants are moving in swarms within the black ants. You can literally see red circles of ants moving in tune together through the black ants. Then they start to become balls, rolling through them and piling up into a mass pile.

At that point, I woke up and was kinda freaked out. There was actually a beginning of this dream, where I think I was out with people and I had come home, but I don’t fully remember that. This is what I remember. Lol…

So much to do...

There is so much to do that its overwhelming. So many bills to pay, so much to save, so much to pack and store and throw out. i feel like i'm drowning in it all.

ugh...

We leave for our trip on wednesday, and while i'm excited, I'm also super stressed because of everything i have to do. Have to do returns, pack, get critters ready to be taken over to the boarding place, get bambs ready, do laundry, clean a little, etc... so friggin damn much to do. and i have court tomorrow, so i'm kinda worried how thats going to go. lol

so, basically, i'm hoping this is a good week and i get things situated and am able to relax soon. i really do.

ugh! wish me luck!