MetaMorphis

Stereotypical title, i know.  But i just could not think of something that would describe this point in my life.  I'm changing.  My World is changing.  My views, my goals, my loved ones... They're all changing.  I'm no longer the same Spring I was when i first moved back to the Valley.

I'm becoming better.  I'm working out, trying to eat healthy, providing myself with mental goals and physical goals.  ANything to keep me stimulated and to keep the dark thoughts at bay.

But i'm still hitting rough patches because of the hurt & betrayal from loved ones.  They don't see where they've done me wrong and when i've tried to point it out, it got flipped on me.  So needless to say, its just not worht the fight when i'm constantly made to be the bad guy.  SO i'm just pulling up my 'boot straps' and carrying on.  They will always be big parts of my life, but i will no longer let them think that they can replace me and i will still be there for them no matter what. 

Now, i'm there for myself and my parents, & its mostly myself.  THankfully my parnts understand and completley support me.  And to be honest, it has taken everything in their control to not go completely MOTHER BEAR on the people who have hurt me.  All the more reason why i have issues telling them when somethings bothering me or when i've been hurt.  But i'm trying to be alot more honest with my parents.  They deserve that much.  I'm their only child and I'm tired of making them hurt because I won't tell them anything.
& now, i have to figure out how to tell the biggest disappointment to my father.  & that scares me mroe then anything.  I know i fucked up, BAD & HUGE!! but i don't know how to tell him and for him to understand what was going on.  That i will make it up to him.  I have a plan figured out that i think will work. If not, it can be fixed to work.  Long story short, he paid for a semester of university about 2 weeks before the next events.  I was stuck up in my college town without a job for almost 3 years. I was breaking, i was not healthy in any way and i was close to harming myself.  I was planning my moms surprise 50th, making all invites by hand, making reservations, doing EVERYTHING.  My old job got offered to me and i said yes without thinking. Well, when i cancelled my classes, the money was put into my bank account and not back on my dads card.  I used some of it to pay for stuff for my moms party and i had mentioned it to my dad. he never mentioned it again, so like a dumbass and a very mentally unstable jobless broke college student, i spent it.  I still don't know what the hell all the money went to.  I barely remember anything during that time.  Not one damn thing almost.
Again, i was depressed.  Extremely! I was buying shit, buying animals, eating, screwing up my sleep schedules, not attending classes, all sorts of stuff.  I was wanting to cut myself, to kill myself, to just wander off somewhere and never have anyone worry about me again.  I was in a very bad place and i was trying to take care of it all on my own.  & whats worse, my dad doesnt believe in depression.  Especially doesnt understand why i would be depressed when he was covering everything (rent, food, bills, school, etc). 

I felt like a waste, a burden.  I wanted to fall off hte earth so that my dad never had to pay for another thing again.  So my mom and i would stop fighting.  SO i wouldn't embarrass then anymore and not be upset that i wasn't making them proud.  There was so much going on and i wasn't able to handle it like i was in the past.  And the fact that i felt like i was isolated from the world wasn't helping.  None of my friends (save one when she was able to get a day off)  would drive up and see me.  I was driving down and only seeing one person.  & it wasn't enough.  My dream of going to my Dream College has become my prison cell.  I wasn't making friends, was having issues with other students in classes, i was older then all of the kids in my classes and my room mate.  Everyone i was around was fresh out of highschool, and here i was, 25-27 & i was just completley out of place.

I know they sound like excuses, but i have no way of emphasizing that i was in a bad bad place & i was struggling.  & because of that, i blew thru a semester of tuition & honestly have no clue where the hell it went to.  I've been trying to figure out where to get a loan to cover it so i can just pay off the loan and not worry about it, so i don't have to disappoint him yet again.  & yet, thats all i'm going to do.  Normally, it wouldn't be a big problem.  Tell him, he doesn't talk to me for awhile while i try to fix the situation... but I work with him.  So i will see him most of the days of my weeks.  & this is the man who refused to talk to me when i got my nose pierced.  My mom had to yell at him to talk to me because they were going on a trip and she didn't want somethign to happen and that be the last thing any of us remember.  That we never said goodbye or love you.  I wish he could look at it that i fucked up, i know i fucked up and i will make sure and fix this mistake ASAP.

Being an only child has its problems and this is definitely the worse of them.  This burden is only mine to bear, i have no one else to depend on if they stop talking to me, and no matter what i do i will usually end up disappointing them because there is no one else to compare to.

ugh, my mind is this huge jumble now and now this post hasn't even really touched on what inspired it.  Instead, i'm venting/bitching and dont even want to touch the original topic....   But its good that i'm blogging again.  Quick fingers, keyboard and a mostly anonymous audience will help me get my life back on track.  I'll be able to vent and not let things eat my  alive, not dwell as much on situations and i WILL get creative again.

*fingers crossed*  Nows the time for me to throw myself in a cocoon to become the butterfly/moth i'm destined to be... (haha, sorry, i laughed at how corney that sounds)...