You have new Picture Mail!

day "romeo" left "juliet"

"boys and girls in the red light district..
take them to my room and make the dirty boys blush..."

cant think fully with that line in my head... singing along, letting hate and despair seethe from the pores that keep me bound to this earthly plane. dancing, bobbing, singing, screaming... letting it out... alone, hateful...

things happen for a reason, but why? when do you find that reason, when do they. i'm tired of their ignorance, feigning smiles when all they do is hate each other. Words never to be spoken between lovers are shared on the pillow and off… tears are shed as words are punched through hearts. And yet they keep up the play, pretending for others sakes when all they do is ruin what they are trying to protect.

Love has become a laugh for this delicate soul, something never to be desired because of what has been witnessed. Solitude is yearned to insure that one will never be hurt this way. Excutses are made to try to hide this fact, to try to pretend that the porcelain façade of the family is true, that no cracks have been placed in it and that the superglue is melting in the hate that seeps from the heads.

Minnows in shark waters, fighting for a living, hiding amongst the predators behind another rpredator. Hate begot hate, pain begot pain, and love was never begottin in this household.

Don’t know how many times the thought crossed the delicates mind. Take a life, teach them what they are doing. Let them live for eternity damning themselves and each other over a wrothy and valid cause. But stupid moments make stupid decisions…. So the anger seethes and wraps around the fragil soul, feeding poison thoughts into the veins of the life tree… damage the roots, let it drift into the waves of hurt. Who can tell whats what anymore…

“I’m tired of this feeling”… a sentence I write quite a lot. I’ve never been more tired before til tonight. So sick of pretending everythings okay. So sick of faking the smile and acting like I’m a saint. Smiling has begun to hurt my soul. Its not real, its just not possible for me to be this happy when theres nothing to be happy about.

Cannot wait to get free. To be free of the anger and the hurt. My soul wants to float like a balloon into the atmosphere, pop and destroy itself rather then being destroyed by some wicked and twisted child with a safety pin. I’m master of my life, and yet this dog chain on my soul speaks otherwise. Ready to break the bonds and live myself. Live and be free.

I’m heartless because I didn’t cry as he left, didn’t cry as she did. I’m heartless because I’ve heard it all before and have just gone on pretending along with them that everythings okay. They have a love/hate relationship I said… but that’s a lie. They just hate each other and are scared of being alone. And me, of course, sees this and takes it the extreme. I don’t ever want to be like that so I’ll just be alone rather then unhappy and miserable for life. B ut in the end, I’m ending up just how I never wanted to be. This fucking life has no easy outs. Has no easy ins. You’re a shit out of luck while little miss irony twists her iron claws in your belly and licks at your intestines like you’re a fucky candy coated apple.

Gah, so many times I wish the razorblade was in my apple and not the childrens. How do you wash these thoughts from your body when they’ve been born into you. Ending up like everyone you’re around and yet telling yourself you’ll never end up that way.

So many turns, and yet just as many dead ends. Up is down, down is out, that way is wrong, this way never going anywhere. Fucking alice had it right when she woke up. They only way out of wonderland is with the red queen river. Slice and everythings alive, vibrant, true once again.

Never reading this again, never teling whats really happening. Don’t care if anyones hurt, don’t care if curiousity flattens them with a piano. I just don’t fucking care anymore. I hate hate HATE when a hint isn’t taken. And I hate hate HATE that I guess that its just me. All the time, its fucking me. I blame everything on myself that I could have been more insistent, could have grown up sooner. I grew up long ago and am fighting for this childhood now. Emotionally I was killed, so I fight for anything that I have left in this shell.

Anything worth fighting for? I ask myself day in and day out. No true beauty in the heart, everythings painted on following the close little guide with the itty bitty numbers. No wonder why the 8’s painted as if it’s a 0. I hate the feelings that well in my chest, that cause it to tighten, stealing breath from sacs that desperately want to go both ways.

The feeling of wanting to be loved, and yet wanting to hate. How can both feelings exist so strongly in one being so adamant on giving up on them both altogether. Cannot disguise that fact that its all hypocritical, hypochondrical, “LOOK AT ME AND SEE THE REAL ME” bullshit. No better then anyone who willingly slits wrists with teeth of stars and fingers made by xacto.

So many feelings all at once, a sea swallowing jonah, not the whale. Something bigger wishing to break free form the ivory confines of the ebony being. So endless, so dark, so foreboding the soul that speaks of intimacy and hopefulness….

The abyss has swallowed the heart and soul, say goodbye as the new sun rises………………………..

Too many Times

(randomness)

©Spring C Hyde

I've thought of your smile, smothering mine with a slight kiss,
touching my soul with fingertips tainted with scorned love.
I've ached for those very fingers to scorch my being,
burning yourself into my core, making me yours

.....one.......syll*a*ble.....at.....a.....time.....

break me, make me bend to your whim,
create your slave based on unhinged rivalry.
Tear me open and ravish me,
Leaving nothing but crumbling sanity behind.

Make me reach out into the darkness,
Grasping for the coldness you’ve become,
Reach into my existence and rip it from me
So that I only need you,
that this aching in my heart will be yours and yours alone.

And when you’ve heard me cry out,
Grasp my hands down,
Bind me with your flesh and force the ache from my throat.
I cry your name, and you don’t hear.
You’ve lost me in your desperate act of trying to prove your existence.

You tear through me, trying to feel something.
My cries echo, but only your voice is heard,
The soft screaming of a tormented soul
Plays over and over,
Our sad melody of love.

©Spring C Hyde

I Dont Deserve This Feeling

but for some odd reason, i have a sense of loss and lonliness right now... idk why... just i feel... empty... suddenly empty...

my arms feel cold, my heart heavy with unshared emotions...

i'm aching for someone...

but i dont know who...

a familiar voice? an unfamilar feeling?

idk...

i just know... this strange... achign feeling... in my chest...

but i dont know who its for...

Aching Touch

~not sure if this is unfinished yet or not~

© Spring C. Hyde

My fingertips ache for you…
They miss caressing your neck,
Feeling you tighten at the thrill of a touch,
Sensitive where you didn't know you were.
You thrill at my hands,
Excited, confused, enticed, desiring…

Just… one… more… touch…

His Grip

Another possibly unfinished one

© Spring C. Hyde

I can feel his grip, pulling me down into his world.
Holding tight this feeling neither of us have felt before.
He grasps my hips, pulling me deeper onto him,
I fight like a cheetah for her dinner.
So satisfying, so sustaining.
I cant get enough.
A thirsty man looking for that last drop,
I want more of this love,
More until we run out.

My God, I hope we never run out.

She Just Wont Listen Nemore.

We Think We Own The Joint.

She Makes My Heart Skip A Beat

Shes So Melancholy

I Have 2 Steal My Kisses

My sanity is slowly being pulled from my cold, dead fingers

March 10, 2007

This is a day I should be happy. A day that I should be thankful and proud. Jay (umbra) was born today. A soul that I’ve found comfort in, a soul that knows me like I was herself. A true friend, a soul friend.

And yet, I’m angry. Angry and bitter. I grind my teeth in hatred and loathing. I scream inside my head, angry words, words of hate, harm, and vulgarities. But I cant help myself. I’m just so angry anymore. My head aches, my heart aches, my soul is torn. I don’t know what to do. I don’t find solace in liquor, I don’t find hope in the internet. I try to escape into the realms of homework, into learning, creating. But I’m not allowed to linger for long. I don’t know what to do anymore… everythings black. Darkness is engulfing my sunshine. I’m not going to bloom anymore. I don’t want to bloom anymore.

I’m tired f having to fake happiness because people find it odd for me to be sad, to be angry. True bitterness leaks from my eyes. Holding it all in till I explode. Rose pattered rubber lining walls will not hold me in. Strapping my being together, in hopes of immobility, does not help. I break free, screaming, again, internally. My voice is too scared to be heard. To scared of breaking the façade, the perfectly painted picture of a lonely, loving flower.

What would happen if someone found out my true interior? An interior layered in pervertedness, in lost hopes and dreams, hypocritical writings lining shelves layered with dust and lies. I’m not pristine. I’m not an angel. And yes, I can do whatever I set my mind to. Quit distracting me, quit expecting of me, quite holding me back and trying to paint me into everything you are not or wished to be. Do you not realize that I am my own being? My own sentinel? Let me colonize my heart the way I want. Let me make mistakes, or not make mistakes.

Don’t tell me what I should have, or should do. Let me love how I want to be love and love who I want to love. I’m just so tired of people telling me what I should look for in love and what I should avoid. You know what? Shove all these ideas deep down so you’ll shut up. There, I said it. I’m tired of love advice from people. I’m tired of them telling me stuff when they are the fools who settled. I’m just so tired of everything.

Living like a hermit has never sounded so inspiring. Living alone, free to do what I will… That is where I am headed. Contact with another person would be a thing of yearning, like the midnite yearning for chocolate.

*sigh* I say this and I know for a fact I’d be running to my life lines…

I hate these moods, I hate these phases…. I hate hating, period… I don’t like pitying myself or getting pity from others. But I just don’t know what to do anymore. My sanity is literally being held together by a thread. A solitary sinew of tissue and muscle. My heart is in the grasp of the dark, billowy figure known as irony.

ill-educated

these tears just keep coming, no matter how much i fight them back. they force themselves through the black velvet cloaks and break into a run for ruby partness. How have they become so educated in the lost arts of hurting a woman?

the pain, the torment, the indecencies... they shine through irradescent lies to prophesize the enduring heartache of a virgins love. So many decadent truths and so many delicate tales. how can one sift through the endless supply without shedding a little love?

Hard as marble, but carved with bone. The expected image of a soul left in mourning for a body she never owned. A being forced to endure heartache after heartache without ever realizing what was happening.

her souls been violated with unfamilar feelings. Feelings shes never bothered to harbor. Depression, lonliness, need, lust... unfamilar to her aura. Recharging while drainig and draining while contemplating how to conquer unknown foes.

the heart curtsies to the palace of temptation, turns her back and walks away, never allowing the damned current of emotions into her realm. Savoring for herself the sweet lilacy dreams of settling for general needs. infidelity is now.... a heartbeat away....

save yourself while the strings dangle loosely. Dont attach yourself to a being that slowly.... killing themself... from the inside....


one....








dream......









at a...............

















TIME!!!!!!!

the tight ropes getting thinner

i just dont know what to do anymore. my heart hurts, my head aches, my stomach recoils. i just want to vomit all the hypocritical lies out o fmy soul and start fresh. But how? How do i do that? i dont have a lot of time, i dont have patience, i dont even know where i'd began.

i need to better my body and my heart. I need to educate myself and exercise my mind. But which do i start with first? which would prepare me best for the other?

i'm just so lost. I dont knw what i want to do anymore (save my degree). I want to move out, i want to stay home. I want to work on my car, my room, my art, my collections, my dogs, etc... so much i want to do, yet i never do ANY of it. I dont know WHO i am anymore.

i think i've gotten myself so used to hiding behind a smile, letting myself imagine that a world can exist with no bad, that i am the clown performing to make others happy, and not truly caring if i do or not.

my sanity and heart are being washed away.....

condemned to a life of tears, of anguish, of hate. The day has been a rocky roller coaster, and my life feels like its a bout to break. I dont know what i'm donig anymore. If i didnt fear the outcome, i'd be really close to committing inconceivable acts.

But the fear, as always (but in some ways i'm happy), holds me back.

My life has become a twisted, elegant, play of irony and hypocrisy. Creating a tango foreign to my existence, something i need to survive. Ive thrown myself into the rabbit hole, still trying after all this time to figure out which ways up and right.

Anger seethes in my veins, seeps out on a tongue clasped tightly between teeth so as to not step out of character. eyelids burn iwth a desire for the unreal, but fate has other plans. Sleepless unholy nights ahead for now and all eternity. Sleep is for the weak and inhuman. HAHA... what funny words my mind plays when the obvious lacking *sighs* quietly into a bullhorn.

Dont be noticed, but cant live without acknowledgement. The irony is sugary coated, tempting hte holy virgin on high heeled lies and gossamer dreams. A night created soley to devirginize a mind and its soul.

Alice's world never looked so appealing

This world is opening up to me, creating a roadway that only my soul can travel to the destination that i've created for myself. A worold where i can be me, become what i've always wished to be. Create things i've only thought of in my wildest dreams. This destinatin will become home to my dreams.

a realization.....

i've realized... I'm in love. I'm not in love with anyone, but i'm in love and waiting for the right one to fill the empty space thats reserved in my heart. To realize this eye opening truth is the first step. To keep my eyes open so that i may find this love, that will be the test.

How do i find the one i want to love when i run from every possibility, fearing fakeness, lies, and suffer from self-criticizing.

the skys will cry

The skys are gray outside... finally looking beautiful in this world obsessed with color. Cleanliness is but a few rain drops away, line up and hand in your tickets of shame and we'll be with you shortly....

HOw many times have i looked at this sky, and wondered, is the one for me looking at it also? But then i question this. What if my soul mate, the one to be with me through this life and every other, wont be found until a later life? What if they've meet their demise or were born in another time, another era? HOw do you find this so-called soulmate?
I believe in all the rumors of love, and all the rumors of soulmates, even though they havent been proven to me. The only thing i've seen is obsession being acted upon and suffering for a lifetime. And yet, i know thats not what its all about. I know theres more out there. Theres more to experience and theres more to learn.
With so many people on this earth, how can we be alone?

All I have to do is open my eyes and my heart and the one will come running into my being, and i'll never know what hit me.

*sigh* the simplicity of unorthodox love. A dream that so few have experienced, but many have cast aside.

secrets of the heart cannot be learned until the owner is willing to recognize them

Why, in my world, is it so much easy to not do, than to conquer? Important, needs done now tasks take a lifetime to get accomplished. But isn’t that how life should be? Enjoying it? Putting what needs to be done on hold to enjoy all that’s around you for just a little longer? In this world, where things can happen in the blink of an eye, do you want to go without enjoying it? Reality has started snapping its fingers in front of me, making me realize that the truth of the matter is that I need to live this life for myself. Live it to the fullest until someone comes along who will depend on me.

But how do I live when my idea of living is different from the worlds, from colleagues, from almost everyone? Sitting outside, listening to the rain or reading a good book curled up with my dog is the absolute relaxation and nirvana for me. Its reality bursting to the rim that makes me adore these small moments more and more.

But these moments when I’m alone, procrastinating on homework with no one to talk to, do I realize how lonely I am. I put up a half & half front, pretending I’m absolutely happy with how I am, who I am, and where I am. But in reality, my heart breaks when i read or watch something, and see those lonely embraces that wipe away all evil and bad lurking thoughts or feelings. That one action, I never realize, is very important in a persons existence. I never realized it until I stopped receiving them. As childish as it is, I haven’t received a hug from someone other my family or close, almost sister, friend in, well, almost never.

It’s a luxury I’ve never had, a luxury that I always overlooked, thinking it was overrated, and now, when I need it most, I’m scared. I’m alone. I’ve cut out anyone who made me feel like I didn’t matter, and am left with practically no one. I’ve always been alone, just with one or two close friends, who when i was younger weren’t really friends. And now, I’m alone again. I should be used to it, and I am, but I’m still lonesome. I still long for a warm body to hold me, or let me hold them. So many possibilities lying in wait in this frame, I don’t know how to handle. I’m losing my sense on reality, slipping behind in duties that need to be done, and I can’t tell anyone.

How do you tell people around you that you’re lonely, that you wish with all your might someone would force themselves into your life that wouldn’t make you flee? That just looking in their eyes, hearing their voice, their thoughts, opinions, words and seeing their smile would keep you coming back for more? A hopeless romantic in a cynics universe. No one will ever be good enough, because I won’t just settle. I won’t let someone belittle me the way I’ve seen others let it be done. I don’t want to be ruled and I don’t want to rule. I want an equal relationship with hopeless, endless, forever binding devotion. I want someone that I could just lose myself in endless conversations about nothing, but about everything. A relationship with competitiveness, but not wanting to outdo each other on everything. I want someone who can smile and laugh and joke about absolutely nothing, who will laugh at me in a good way and make me feel better when I make a stupid joke.

I need someone who will let me hold them, or who will just want to hold me. Someone who’s grown up, but not too grown up to where they cant enjoy all the small pleasures that are left to be experienced in our world, both together and alone. There are so many things to be shared, so many things to be learned, but where do you find someone to meet these expectations.

I’ve always hated trying to list the perfect partner for me, because I felt like I was being too picky and that I was narrowing the field for me. But to be honest, the secrets of the heart cannot be learned until the owner is willing to start recognizing them. The mind is the greatest thing one needs to look for. Without a mind, without knowledge, life gets dull. And a good smile is always a plus.

But really, where do I look? Should I look? Should I even care? I’ve acted like I don’t care all along, should I just keep up with it, or should I start to be honest? And who do I be honest with? There’s no one left in my life. Everyone is getting cut out because of their dishonesty with me, so who do I turn to? Who do I run to when my tears become to much for my lids to bear, and who do I run to when all the weight in my world becomes too much for my shoulders to bear?

In a world where loneliness is the new pink, what do I do? How do I admit to people that I am scared of becoming a spinster? I’m scared of never loving, never being loved and never sharing love. I’m scared of never sharing this heart, this heart that’s begun to beat and cry so frantically in my chest. But I don’t want to be desperate, I don’t want to settle, I don’t want just anyone. I want someone who will help me forget all those who need forgetting. Someone who will help me see all the stars in the sky, and in their eyes.

Someone who can whisper nothings to me that will mean the world to me. The perfect man is out there somewhere. But I don’t know where, and rejection has me so scared, that I’m too frightened to go out and look. See the good in everyone, but what if all I’m seeing is my naivety reflected off their hidden meanings, setting myself up for heartbreak over and over.

How do I love when I’ve never even been in love before? I know I’ve thought I was, but now I know that wasn’t real love. There was no way that could have been real love, because real love should only be able to be shared between two people. It should be two way, not one. But how do you tell the world that? How do you tell anyone that? And how do you know when you are truly in love? Do you have to lie to your mind? To your Eyes? To your heart? Can you lie to yourself? How do you conquer the loneliness?

I don’t know what to do anymore. My heart doesn’t know which way to go. So many doubts are swimming in my head, I don’t know which way is right anymore. I don’t know what would make me happy, and I don’t know where to look for all these answers.

I’m simply a hypocritical, fool wandering around in this love impoverished world, looking for the missing chunks of a heart and finding nothing in return.

My life is a carousel

My life spins and plays music, as if it will always do it. Nothing mixed up, nothing changing. the same cracked paint, unicorn is driving my stationary sled... I can never get anywhere in life, if i let myself stay here, letting myself be led on the imaginary circle of an imaginary 'train'. Take the risk of getting dizzy and get up, get up and force myself forward... dont ever stop. If you stop, you lose, if you dont keep going forward, dreams will disappear into the recess of a broken heart, a broken soul.
Keep it all together, keep working, striving for the end. The end, a life of acceptance, a life of happiness, a life void of regrets. Work for who you wish to become, not what others want you to be.

{in the process of being realized... have patience, the author will share when she is ready}