Reason Why I LOVE May... (& a slight hint at how mad i truly am)

I live in Arizona, so I'm surrounded by Mexican Heritage pretty much 24/7/365... But, thankfully, I'm a Mexican Food FANATIC!!  & New Mexican Cuisine.  I crave it pretty much all day, every day.  Then you take that and multiply it by, oh lets say, INFINITY!! & that's how my Cravings are when I've been drinking.  So what has brought this tangent about?!?!

THIS!!

Today is our Companies annual salsa competition.  And boy, am I an addict for my salsa.  I kid you not.  If i smell salsa or even hear the word, you best put me into a straight jacket and tie me down because I will HUNT the salsa until its mine.  Now, i don't mind some store brand salsas.  Picante is a decent make do when I'm in a bind. Macayo's salsa is pretty damn good (even for it being mild) but only when you get it in the restaurant.  Most places serve a sweeter salsa and i have a hard time caring for it, but oh will i still eat it.  Its funny really, i used to only dip my chips in it and would throw the chunkies out.  But now, i will load the chip up with every chunky that can fit and hope that they have absorbed the sauce in their juiciness.  And because I have learned to embrace and love the chunkies, my new favorite when it comes to salsa is... HOMEMADE!! nothing beats homemade for me now!!  and I can't get enough of them.  I need to learn to make my own so i can have salsa on hand at my beckon call. 

Moral of this whole blog is,
I LOVES ME SOME SALSA!!  

Also, I really do need to become more of a cook, even if its just to give into my own madness... ;^{P

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO EVERYONE!!

Trying to Save $ By Eating Healthy & Cooking At Home

Every time i look at my account balance and try to figure out where all my moneys gone and why haven't i been able to save something, i end up going through my transactions and see that the majority of my purchases are food related.  Whether its grocery stores or eating out.  I need to remedy this, and the best way i can think is by starting to plan meals and actually cooking for more then one meal.
But this is hard when I've never been much of a cooker and also when i mostly cook from bags, boxes and cans.  I'm unfortunately one of those 'lets do it the easy way' "chefs".  and i really would like to break this habit.  My wallet and health are being affected, and i think it would also be another great way to calm myself from the days events.

Now, with that in mind, I need as much help as possible to find healthy alternatives that are also cheap.  Easy recipes that a beginner can do, ideas on food plans for the week, etc.  I honestly don't know how my mom used to plan out the weeks meals and actually cook them without ever changing her mind.  I mean, she used to have calendars posted on the fridge of what she would make for breakfast, what shed be preparing for my school lunch, options i could have for after school snack, and finally what was going to be for dinner.
Its sad that I used to tease her about this and hated being on a schedule like that, and now that's all I wish I had.  I need to discipline myself and gain some will power.  Have a dinner planned and if something happens that i don't get home with enough time to make the meal and eat before a halfway decent time (730 pm), then i need a backup option.

But enough of the what i would like(s)... I need to focus on the actual cooking part.  Maybe if I actually started cooking and having more confidence in my "chef" skills, then I'll be able to have more confidence in starting and sticking to a schedule.

With that being said, a lovely coworker hooked me on this site:

Budget Bytes
It is an amazing site with many recipes on it and a nice step by step blog journey, costs, etc.  I have quite a few recipes saved that i cannot wait to try and this weekend or the next, I'll be cooking for the week.  :)  Here are just a few samples of what I would love to try:

• Chocolate & Banana Baked Oatmeal
• Parsley Pesto Pasta (or Triple P)
• Spinach Artichoke Pasta (this is the one I'm SUPER excited about!!!!!!!)
• Her Top 10 Freezer Meals (will be perfect for me for work & all)
• Southwest Salad w/Taco Ranch Dressing

Those are just a few that are on my list to try. But those are ones that I'm pretty sure I'll like no matter what. So keep your fingers crossed for me.  I'll hopefully be posting my success (or hysterically not so successful) stories when i finally end up making them.

Now, are there any other websites, cookbooks, etc that can be recommended for healthier eating and beginning cookers?  I'm very open to trying new things and attempt cooking.  :)

~Spring~

PS: this isn't a healthy recipe, but it caught my eye and i CANNOT wait to try it... started salivating as soon as I saw it!! }:^)   So Not Healthy Yummy Gooey-ness!!

The only thing making something IMPOSSIBLE is your PERSPECTIVE

now, before I get into what started and inspired this blog, i have to admit that i struggled with what was the right word for my title.  Perception or Perspective.  I'm still unsure as I think either one would have been right.  But I also still doubt that either one is right. lol

per·cep·tion  [per-sep-shuhn]  noun

1.the act or faculty of apprehending by means of the senses or of the mind; cognition; understanding.

2.immediate or intuitive recognition or appreciation, as of moral, psychological, or aesthetic qualities; insight; intuition; discernment: an artist of rare perception.

3.the result or product of perceiving,  as distinguished from the act of perceiving; percept.

4.Psychology . a single unified awareness derived from sensory processes while a stimulus is present.

per·spec·tive [per-spek-tiv]  noun

1.a technique of depicting volumes and spatial relationships on a flat surface. Compare aerial perspective, linear perspective.

2.a picture employing this technique, especially one in which it is prominent: an architect's perspective of a house.

3.a visible scene, especially one extending to a distance; vista: a perspective on the main axis of an estate.

4.the state of existing in space before the eye: The elevations look all right, but the building's composition is a failure in perspective.

5.the state of one's ideas, the facts known to one, etc., in having a meaningful interrelationship: You have to live here a few years to see local conditions in perspective.

 

Now, sadly, this will bother me most of my morning.  I think I chose the right word, but then I always doubt/second guess myself. lol

 To The Point:

The reason for this blog is because of inspiration.  I was sitting at my computer at work, looking up images of balloons so i can start working on my drawing.  all the balloon clusters that i was drawing from my mind were coming out, quite frankly, looking a little like tapioca pudding or cottage cheese.  Unhappy with my imagination to hand skills, I decided to find something online that I could use as reference/inspiration to get a jump start on how i want my picture to turn out.  Lo & behold, this is what I found:

 'Original' article that will definitely inspire

 Now, I didn't believe this when I was reading the article.  I've heard of the men who have tried to tie balloons to their lawn chairs and take off, and those always have disasterous (yet hysterical) results.  But this man planned and SUCCEEDED in crossing the alps in a lawn chair tied to these things.  Grant it, as I was watching the video completely awe-struck, I started getting clammy skinned and hard to breath as I saw what was holding him up from falling to the world below.  It definitely affirmed my fear of heights and that I won't be rushing out to try this anytime soon.

but this man and what he does, it is inspiring.  Hes done what people thought was IMPOSSIBLE.  So it really is all about perspective/perception (seriously, let me know which you think is better. i whole heartedly think perspective but accept that i just maybe wrong).  if you think its going to be impossible and so you never try, it really is impossible.  But if you think its impossible and try, then you know what? you are a dreamer and a hoper.  Trying and failing is always better then not trying at all.  So when someone tells you "oh you can't do that, its impossible", you can turn around and ask them "have you done it? no? then how do you know its impossible?"

So go out there and dream big and dream vast.  Life is too short to sit there worrying and never living.  Prove that the impossible is a myth and inspire the world like this man has.  I know hes inspired me. :)


~Spring~

Untitled 4-30-12

So, i was looking up videos for different hairstyles for me to try this week, and i happened across a girl who does tutorials that is qwerky and awesome.  But in one of her tutorials she was playing a song that inspired a poem out of me.  now, what i wrote did go with the beat of the song, so i'm going to post the song for you to watch/listen.  that way you can get the beat of how my poem is read in my head. lol 

I think i'm newly addicted to her... :)

You say I dream too big,
That i'm setting myself up for failure.
Don't want to hear my plans,
because you already know their end.
You laugh, tsk & belittle,
thinking you are doing me a favor,
& yet you get angry when i just stare and smile.

Well go ahead and burst my bubble,
poke these balloons with your doubt,
I'll just laugh and thank you later,
as my dreams, my plans, my future
comes bursting out

No confines to hold them any longer,
No doubt stunting their growth.
Your words that tried to draw my blood,
are the very words that set me free,
No longer under your rule,
No longer victim to your scrutiny.

Well go ahead and burst my bubble,
poke these balloons with your doubt,
I'll just laugh and thank you later
as my dreams, my plans, my future
comes bursting out

I know your dreams were taken from you,
and so you've tried to take back your power.
But my biggest wish that i'll dare utter,
is that you'll close your mind,
open your heart,  and fly with me.
Bring that smile back for your world to grow.

So go ahead and fill your bubble,
patch your balloons and lose your doubt.
We will laugh and you can thank me later
when your hope takes flight.







Again, not the greatest of poems.  sometimes i wanted to rhyme, sometimes i didn't feel like it.  But the song inspired the chorus which actually started out as a picture that i'm going to start working on.  For not having my muse visit me in a LONG while, This one makes me feel happy.  Able to get a little bit off my chest about how some important people in my life are about all my 'pipe' dreams.  Just have to stay steadfast and true and know that i'm the only one who can bring me down.  also, need to work harder at bringing my muse back home and keeping her with me...


sweet dreams world.  feels good to get something out on paper (literally & virtually)....

New Beginnings

Things are about to change, and I'm going to make sure they are changed for the better.  I'm currently packing up my belongings, my life, into 3 categories. Keep to go into the new house, storage, and "find-someone-else-who-can-appreciate-what-i-didnt".  I hate packing for a variety of reasons. In the past couple of years, i've done it way too much for my liking, and i've never fully unpacked. EVER!!

Well, now i want things to be different. I want to be able to have time to blog, do artwork, write, workout, travel, etc.  I would like to focus on the things i enjoy and that would make me the person i would like to be, rather then constantly cleaning or trying to situate things.  I've allowed myself to live in an insane clutter and i don't want it to happen anymore.  Its time that i make a difference.  Maybe if i finally live how i've been wanting, i'll be able to focus on schoolwork and have a life.

But the point of this New Beginnings blog is to document the things I would like to change and hopefully how i can do them. :)

Eat Healthy
Exercise Semi-Daily
Save $
Take care of myself and my critters properly and efficiently
Work on my jewelry for friends and to sell
Write (poems, journals, finish my novel)
Work on my artwork and my style
Follow the pinup/vintage fashion that i've been wanting to for years
Finish my Anthropology & psychology degree (& consider furthering said degrees)
Go to school for makeup/costume/set design
Learn to REALLY cook (not out of boxes or cans)
Go out and meet some new friends
Go out and meet SOMEONE
Volunteer
Travel to see family

& I know that there is soooooo much more!!  Hopefully i'll be able to remember them and add them later.  I just know that my 28 years on this planet, i have hardly lived.  Sure, i've lived and traveled with my parents, but I haven't lived myself.  I haven't done what i've said i wanted to do or gone where i've said i wanted to go. 

For example. I wanted to make Irealand happen this year.  Well, it won't be now because of money issues. a nd because i'm having to move in with my parents because of money issues.  I'm hoping ot be staying with them for about 5 years to save up money and get bills paid off and everything.  So hopefully, my first year living with them, i can pay off all debt that i ahve, fix my credit and then be able to save up and go to ireland!!  That is my new goal.

I feel like an idiot for saying i was making Ireland happen this year, but it not happening is completely out of my control.  I know it could be done, but there would be alot of sacrificing of bills, and those need paid off.  I need to fix my past mistakes before i can FULLY enjoy my life and have fun. 

*sigh*.... i guess i must finish this for now.  I have a house to pack and sort thru. 'woo'...

its funny when you give yourself a moment to stop and think about it....

You go insane when you lock yourself into the same ole' routine.  All you want to do is break free from it, yet you are scared of breaking said routine.  Why is it that when you want to change yourself, better yourself... That's when its hardest to break old habits.  But its the easiest thing in the world to do what is absolutely and completely wrong for you...  they say that it takes doing something 21 times consecutively  for it to become a habit, but it takes only once to break that habit. 

And how does one grow will power?  that is proving to be my greatest battle yet.  Learning to tell myself no and doing what needs done but i don't want to do.  I know the changes i need to make and yet its so easy to keep myself from following through.


<=================================================================>

I need to blog more.  Need to write poetry, short stories, my thoughts... i let the moods pass by and I'm still unsure why.  But i know i have alot on my mind that i can twist and mold into something absolutely amazing.  I just have to allow myself the time to do it... *sigh*  Behind on it all when that's the only way to keep me sane.  I thought that doing the monthly challenges was going to be helpful, but so far it hasn't been.  just became another something that i procrastinate on or forget about.  I'm hoping that its just my current living conditions that's sapping my energy and my muse from me.

Oh lord, how i hope that's all it is.  That I'm not loosing the flair that i once held so tightly in my soul.  talent can't disappear just like that for no reason can it?  I need some true inspiration, so push, some gumption.  I need to stop falling in old ways that are deadly for me....  I need to surround myself with creativity and positive influences.  gather myself and figure out what i want, who i am and who i would like to become.  reconfigure my dreams so that i have something to work towards, so I'll stop existing.  I need to conquer something, explore something, LIVE!!

I... NEED.... To... Be... FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANOTHER NIGHT SUBMISSION

Here is a gift i started for someone close to me. its nowhere near finished and this is before i did the next step, add stars.  It looks even cooler now that i've added the stars. :)

I have to add the names still andseal it. Will add pics with the stars as soon as i can. :)  but love how the sky turned out!!

Creative Every Day Challenge - February Theme "NIGHT"

this month has been on thats been nothing but roller coasters.  First, things start to look up and get better, then the rugs pulled out from under me and i feel like i'm suffocating on responsibilities, lies and expectations from others. 
a Year ago i lost someone pretty important.  Dusti Jo Barkley had given birth 2/14/2011.  not even a week later she was taken to the hospital for trouble breathing, in which she was put into a medically induced coma to allow medicines and procedures to take affect.  During this coma, she had  a blod clot that travelled to her brain.  Long, complicated story short, she was declared brain dead 2/24/11 and they took her off life support at midnight 2/25/2011.  She didn't even get a full week with her son, Everett Waylan Barkley.  This has been a rough year for all who knew and loved her, and it was only made harder and worse with the issues and problems that her now widow has caused.  Thankfully those of us who truly knew and cared about her have been keeping her memory going and untarnished.

Having lived up in Flagstaff for almost two years, i had found a spot that became my go to when i need to get away and think.  Hardly anyone went up there at night which made it so much easier to get away when i needed to.  Now that i've moved back down to Phoenix, i miss this spot, especially lately when things have been going south.  That is what has inspired my submission for February.  Because this spot can only be truly enjoyed at night, when it is dead silent and pitch black that you feel like you could reach out and scoop the stars from the sky.  The background picture for my blog is near the my hideaway.  The way the sky is in this picture is compareable but not exact to my view.  Yes, flagstaff is a dark city so the sky is this full and star studded.  It is an amazing place to jsut go, stare, get lost in your thoughts and relax. 
Right now with how things are going in my life, i need my spot more then ever, but must find another one if i'm to survive the trials and tribulations being thrown at me.  I do recommend finding your own safe place and enjoy it often when you need to gather your thoughts and calm down.  It makes a difference in your sanity.

My Submission:

Safe place with the two that keep me sane...

The idea for the picture came while i was just free writing.  I don't care too much for the words, but i'm pretty content with teh picture.  i was sitting at my desk at work when the inspiration hit, so i had to used what i had handy. Different types of pens and a highlighter. :)  Not my greatest piece of work, but it was definitely cathartic for me.

So much easier said then done...

I've let people think that they can replace me, and thats partially my fault.  i've vowed to myself never again, and yet its happened again with teh same damn person.  I've decided that i cant keep being the petty, angry person i've been because of this person, and yet everytime i read something about how they've had fun with these replacements or how they are now the 'married couple' (used to be an inside joke about us), i hurt even more inside.

I can count how many true friends i have on one hand, with one finger.  Its sad, but i really don't have anyone in my life at all, except for my parents.  And i can't always go runing to them for everything or depend on them for everything and to have someone to do something with.

ugh! i honestly don't know what i'm trying to say on this damn post, except that i needed someplace to vent and don't have anywhere else but here.  i have a pounding headache and just cant focus. grrr

but other then that, i had a good day.  I went to see WICKED with my mom, aunt and a friend and it was absolutely amazing.  Knew it was going to be, but very very rarely has a production moved me to tears.  Just was in absolute awe...

guess i'll go crash now for the night.  i have a ton of cleaning tomorrow to do before my work week and i have alot to plan for and need to figure out how i'm going to post my pictures for the creative challenge.  I also need to figure out finances and start learning new ways to be creative.  need my outlet for all the betrayal and frustration i've been feeling lately!

Pleasant dreams!!

2-3-12 Untitled

It won't shut off,
vivid memories of regret & betrayal.
Self destruct mode on,
Abort sequence never shared.
A sad cruel joke uttered behind bloodied backs.

Denial & wishful thinking,
the cyanide of a naive soldier.
Immunity grants a second chance too many.
Suicide is the only way to be free.
Slice the bondages with ones words,
and leap blindly.



I'm not entirely sure where this came from. I know im laying in bed at the moment, trying to sleep and yet my mind just will not shut off.  I keep thinking about the same two things that keep overpowering all my sanity.  I guess in a sense, this is a poem of myself being a soldier in a war of my depression.  & suicide isn't meant as literal for me to do, but is meant that i need to sacrifice myself in order to be free of whats bothering me.  ugh, i know what i mean and yet i cant get the words to work with me... *sigh*  If i cannot think properly, cannot word properly... then it is surely time for bed for me.  sleep well... as i hope my dreams are much better then last nights.

Amazingly appropriate and happily coincidental

While looking up a few other songs, i came across this.  I love her stuff, and i'm happy that shes finally releasing more. But this happened to be exactly how i've been feeling lately... reason why i don't allow myself to romantically feel for anyone....

MetaMorphis

Stereotypical title, i know.  But i just could not think of something that would describe this point in my life.  I'm changing.  My World is changing.  My views, my goals, my loved ones... They're all changing.  I'm no longer the same Spring I was when i first moved back to the Valley.

I'm becoming better.  I'm working out, trying to eat healthy, providing myself with mental goals and physical goals.  ANything to keep me stimulated and to keep the dark thoughts at bay.

But i'm still hitting rough patches because of the hurt & betrayal from loved ones.  They don't see where they've done me wrong and when i've tried to point it out, it got flipped on me.  So needless to say, its just not worht the fight when i'm constantly made to be the bad guy.  SO i'm just pulling up my 'boot straps' and carrying on.  They will always be big parts of my life, but i will no longer let them think that they can replace me and i will still be there for them no matter what. 

Now, i'm there for myself and my parents, & its mostly myself.  THankfully my parnts understand and completley support me.  And to be honest, it has taken everything in their control to not go completely MOTHER BEAR on the people who have hurt me.  All the more reason why i have issues telling them when somethings bothering me or when i've been hurt.  But i'm trying to be alot more honest with my parents.  They deserve that much.  I'm their only child and I'm tired of making them hurt because I won't tell them anything.
& now, i have to figure out how to tell the biggest disappointment to my father.  & that scares me mroe then anything.  I know i fucked up, BAD & HUGE!! but i don't know how to tell him and for him to understand what was going on.  That i will make it up to him.  I have a plan figured out that i think will work. If not, it can be fixed to work.  Long story short, he paid for a semester of university about 2 weeks before the next events.  I was stuck up in my college town without a job for almost 3 years. I was breaking, i was not healthy in any way and i was close to harming myself.  I was planning my moms surprise 50th, making all invites by hand, making reservations, doing EVERYTHING.  My old job got offered to me and i said yes without thinking. Well, when i cancelled my classes, the money was put into my bank account and not back on my dads card.  I used some of it to pay for stuff for my moms party and i had mentioned it to my dad. he never mentioned it again, so like a dumbass and a very mentally unstable jobless broke college student, i spent it.  I still don't know what the hell all the money went to.  I barely remember anything during that time.  Not one damn thing almost.
Again, i was depressed.  Extremely! I was buying shit, buying animals, eating, screwing up my sleep schedules, not attending classes, all sorts of stuff.  I was wanting to cut myself, to kill myself, to just wander off somewhere and never have anyone worry about me again.  I was in a very bad place and i was trying to take care of it all on my own.  & whats worse, my dad doesnt believe in depression.  Especially doesnt understand why i would be depressed when he was covering everything (rent, food, bills, school, etc). 

I felt like a waste, a burden.  I wanted to fall off hte earth so that my dad never had to pay for another thing again.  So my mom and i would stop fighting.  SO i wouldn't embarrass then anymore and not be upset that i wasn't making them proud.  There was so much going on and i wasn't able to handle it like i was in the past.  And the fact that i felt like i was isolated from the world wasn't helping.  None of my friends (save one when she was able to get a day off)  would drive up and see me.  I was driving down and only seeing one person.  & it wasn't enough.  My dream of going to my Dream College has become my prison cell.  I wasn't making friends, was having issues with other students in classes, i was older then all of the kids in my classes and my room mate.  Everyone i was around was fresh out of highschool, and here i was, 25-27 & i was just completley out of place.

I know they sound like excuses, but i have no way of emphasizing that i was in a bad bad place & i was struggling.  & because of that, i blew thru a semester of tuition & honestly have no clue where the hell it went to.  I've been trying to figure out where to get a loan to cover it so i can just pay off the loan and not worry about it, so i don't have to disappoint him yet again.  & yet, thats all i'm going to do.  Normally, it wouldn't be a big problem.  Tell him, he doesn't talk to me for awhile while i try to fix the situation... but I work with him.  So i will see him most of the days of my weeks.  & this is the man who refused to talk to me when i got my nose pierced.  My mom had to yell at him to talk to me because they were going on a trip and she didn't want somethign to happen and that be the last thing any of us remember.  That we never said goodbye or love you.  I wish he could look at it that i fucked up, i know i fucked up and i will make sure and fix this mistake ASAP.

Being an only child has its problems and this is definitely the worse of them.  This burden is only mine to bear, i have no one else to depend on if they stop talking to me, and no matter what i do i will usually end up disappointing them because there is no one else to compare to.

ugh, my mind is this huge jumble now and now this post hasn't even really touched on what inspired it.  Instead, i'm venting/bitching and dont even want to touch the original topic....   But its good that i'm blogging again.  Quick fingers, keyboard and a mostly anonymous audience will help me get my life back on track.  I'll be able to vent and not let things eat my  alive, not dwell as much on situations and i WILL get creative again.

*fingers crossed*  Nows the time for me to throw myself in a cocoon to become the butterfly/moth i'm destined to be... (haha, sorry, i laughed at how corney that sounds)...

Fighting For My Survival

Lately, it seems like i'm just exisitng and allowing myself to keep being hurt.  Well, i'm finding different ways to try and overcome this.  Actually fight so i survive and LIVE....  Photo challenges, art challenges and writing challenges... I may start to become overwhelmed, but at least i will have some way of having an outlet... :)  This year, it is all about me and perfecting myself and making myself SHINE!!

NOTHING Left To Lose...

I'm at that point in my life where I don't know what the hell I'm doing or what I want to do.  I have ideals of grandeur, things I wish to accomplish and experience.  I’ve always let fear hold me back, tie me up and distract me.  But not now.

I have NOTHING to lose.

Not one damned thing.

I’ve been living in a shallow grave for most of my life.  Just floating around and existing.  Letting things happen and not acting upon situations and chances.  But now that I have no one holding me back, I can only head up and rise against all the wrongs done to me by others and myself.

I’ve let people think I’m replaceable, & now its time for me to show them I’m not.

I’ve been overlooked, ignored, replaced, taken advantage of, forgotten, lied to, hurt, destroyed, broken down, smothered, bittered, emotionally savaged, kicked, etc. 

And I CANNOT & WILL NOT let it continue on.  It is time that I become my own role model and make MYSELF proud.

Dear Self....

Start Living, Stop existing.
Quit being everyones second or last resort/priority, you have only one of you, so put yourself first.
Grow a pair and quit allowing yourself to be scared when it comes to matters of the body and heart.
Quit Making excuses!
Find new dreams.
Forget the past & focus on the present and future. Those are things that you can actually help with.

How to digest ones bitter reality

It shouldn't be surprising to hear there are doubts again, that i've started questioning those that i call my friends.  Its a constant fear, a nagging worry that claws at the back of my mind and threatens to tear my heart into shreds.  I don't know why i keep on wanting to trust when i'm just meet with betrayal, doubt and loathing...  Never listened to, acknowledged, or even noticed.  This is the life i've developed as a living wallflower.  A perfect example of why one shouldn't just exist, but should instead LIVE.

Now that those chapters of my life have come to a close, i should be trying to figure out what i want out of life next. but everytime i come up with something, i realize that this presence i'm in is always going to hold back my future.  Money may not buy happiness, but it helps keep it at bay...  Got myself into trouble, financially, and i'm trying to fix it, yet it is taking forever and feels as if its suffocating me.

Things i used to love are no longer working as an outlet for me. it seems that everything it requiring more effort so its feeling more like a job rather then my escape.  Artwork, writing, traveling, dreaming... reality keeps crushing it all and making me realize that i need to find a way to stay afloat before i sink and take those around me down with me.

i'm a huge clusterf*&k of random thoughs, hopes, wonders...  I cant focus in JUST ONE thought anymore. They all cmoe running forward for their moment in the spot light.  Pages fill up as i try to rush and put everything down, high hopes that one day i'll be able to give them all the proper dedication they deserve...

i need to reinvent myself... been the same person for years now... the same hair style, the same body, the same dreams and attitude...  the outside is the easiest thing to change, and yet that never makes me feel whole for very long... how do i work on my inside when so many things are demanding my time & attention? So many unanswered questions.. but then again, maybe these questions arent supposed to have an answer...

When one dream flickers, light another one to guide your way...

One dream has partially died, but instead of fully giving up on that dream and extinguishing it, i will continue to protect it and keep its flame going but will simultaneously light a new one so my life, my path, will be lit and keep me with hope.

Because i am not a quitter but i cannot live through life without a dream.  I need something to focus on, something to strive for and keep me happy.  I need something thats short term and attainable so i can feel accomplished and create yet another dream for myself.  I need something to keep me going and to keep me happy...

So what are some of my dreams? i guess it should be considered a bucket list of sorts.  One long term, one short term... but lists nonetheless to mark things off so i can look at it and be happy and have the memories. :)

(coming soon, my starter lists... =P )

Same story, Different setting

as always, i take on more then i can handle.  But its like i subconciously like setting myself up for failure. So i'm trying to accomplish one thing at a time, which is hard. really really hard. *sigh*  have so much i need to make up for and so much i need to get done, that it just seems so overwhelming. instead of just thinking a few steps ahead, i'm having to plan for years in advance it seems. just so i can keep from struggling too much in the present and make sure i don't fail so miserably...

and yet, no matter how much i plan, i just seem to keep failing.  I know i can do this, and i know i WILL do this. just sometimes, the emotions at the moment just seem overwhelming...

the past year and a half...

i have changed, and definitely not for the better. I used to be more up on sending emails, cards, calling people, keeping things updated, downloading and reading manga and so much more. and after the first 4 months of this year and a half, all that changed. I still don't know why or how. I still have my dreams, but being up here, while living them, i still didn't feel complete. i actually let so many other things overpower me. i let myself disappear.

How do i recover myself? how do i reinstate myself into this world that i've let myself just stand there and watch it all go by? there are so many things i'm scared of, and i just don't know how to conquer them. i try to talk to people, i try to figure things out, i try to change myself... and yet none of it works. all it causes is strife and arguements and misunderstandings. Its the reason i prefer to do things on my own and keep things to myself. and yet i can't anymore. things have built up so much that i cannot keep it in. but i don't like letting it all out. the wrong people get upset, the wrong people speak out, the wrong people get hurt....

being a grownup sucks in so many ways... and yet, i feel like i'll never be allowed to be a grownup except by my birthday. No one takes me seriously and always talks down to me. i hate confrontations and can never stand up for myself properly... How can i make people see me how i want to be seen? as an adult trying to make grown up decisions...

The girl who once was...

"What happened to the girl that i used to be?

Where did she go?

This shell wanders this wasteland, looking for a sign of whats happened, of whats become of this girl once called Spring.

A light in the dark, the sun shining from behind the rain clouds, a presence of support for all around her...

and yet all that remains in this husk is the memories, the bad over running the good, clouding what was once so good...

Sometimes mysteries can be a good thing, but in times like these, they are just suffocating..."


Not really a poem, just more of thoughts thrown together for no real amusement but more an attempt at trying to discover what once happened to a bright shining soul... nothing tragic broker me, and yet i cannot figure out how i came to be broken so bad. My light has dimmed so drastically, for almost no reason at all.

All the things i once held dear, the things i went out of my way to do... its all disappeared. Days have melted into months and months into years. I can't tell my ups from downs anymore and i've lost my hold in this world. Existing with no purpose... its almost like i'm going to have to force myself to be 're'born again... my first birth was not supposed to happen, and yet it did. my 're'birth appears to be the same fate, so i must step it up. Make sure that i make up for all that has happened during this time that has broken me. Show the world that i can be unstoppable, and stop myself from screwing up again...

i allowed myself to be broken, destroyed, forgotten... now, i must make sure that this isn't my fate, just a misstep... i can do this, as long as i keep believing and change things in my life.


+added: i need to get back to my writing and creativity in order to remember who i was, where i came from and where i was going...