Just Another Day

it was just another day, just adding another year onto my existence. no fanfare, nothing to delve about. it was a normal, everyday type of day. Went to dinner with my parents. flemyngs thankfully.... with a loud moth behind us.

*sigh*

Twilights end

My heart grows shallow when faced with your eyes. Impossible dreams and meanings fight their way up through my walls, threatening to expose me for what i am. No longer a queen, but a pawn in the cruelest game of this heart. Lonliness n solitude fight hope away, taking joy in the bleat of defeat. How can one be so cruel to themself. I ask myself that every morning when i look in the mirror.

Aching Willows

I crave, i dream, i create, i imagine, i ache, i yearn, i desire..... Romance, closeness, love, intimacy, fearlessnes, beauty, sexuality, financial freedom, maturity, travel. So much my heart holds dear, so much my heart calls for, wishing to be complete. to live... to finally live. that sighs louder then this heartbeat which comes always a second too late.

I know what i hold in my heart, in my head. I'm not finding it and i have no desire to settle. NO desire to make do until the right one comes along. a romance, a love, that will compeltely knock my breath away. Something that will show me that movies arent full of bravado, but in fact, are based on some hidden truth. But i still hide my eyes behind false curtains. Pretending i dont see what i dont want to see.

But the truth, my truth, is there. Standing out in the crowd staring me blatantly in the face. Consuming the rising fear that threatens to rip through my vocal cords and unleash hell on the "innocents". The smallest chance that i may survive and conquer my goals is dangling inches from me, and i'm too frightened to follow. so many screwups i've made. too many for my liking. far too many...

wishes of the heart

I wish, someday, that someone would look at me like that. with such devotion, such love, such adoration. but each day, i question if this is possible. my heart hopes for things that i know i'll never achieve. My heads in the clouds, and i cant duck any farther. i've set myself up for heartbreak.






(charlize and stuart at awards ceremony)

contradictory

I’ve been feeling hopeless lately. Even after a trip, I still feel hopeless. Desolate. Lonely. I’m scared I’ll never amount to anything, scared I’ll never get to follow my dreams. I talk up myself that I don’t need love, that I’m fine being alone. But that’s where the contradictions begin. I want to hold someone and be held, yet I’m scared of the commitment. I’m awkward, shy, and clumsy. I don’t know how to talk to someone, how to flirt. I flirt naturally until I realize what I’m doing or if they are flirting back, and then I stop and get awkward again.

I’m so tired of lying to myself, but I’m so used to it I cant stop. Tell myself I like how I look, I like everything about me, but I don’t. Not always. Its hard to tell yourself what you hate about yourself.

I hate being like this. But I’m sick of faking like I’m strong. I’m sick of it. I smile and smile, but it doesn’t shine anymore. I’m not truly happy. I’m trying to replace this emptiness with material things, and because of this I’m getting myself into trouble. I cant afford this. Not financially, physically, emotionally or mentally. I’m tired of pretending I don’t care. Tired of pretending I’m ok. I’m not.

In the past two-three weeks alone, I’ve cried more then I used to in a year. I’m not happy. I’m depressed, lonely…. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to find someone to ease the lonliness, but I do wish I could. I don’t want people picking people out for me. To be honest, a lot of people I don’t trust their tastes.

But I’m so awkward, I’ll never meet them on my own. I just wish I had someone to hold me, to squeeze me when I need it. That’s all I truly want. S omeone who can look at me and think I’m gorgeous no matter what because they can see the love inside me. I don’t care about physical appearance, love me for me, my insides, my heart, my soul. And I honestly doubt I’ll ever find a love like that. Someone who can hug me and my days better. I’m easy like that. I don’t need diamonds, I don’t need jewelry, books, material items from someone to be happy. I just need someone who can provide the hugs I need. The words I need. They speak to me on so many levels…. But I’ll never find it.

I doubt it more and more everyday. I say its fine that I’m alone, and its not. I’m scared, deathly scared. I see and hear about people, and all they care about is ass, beauty and how much money is made. I’m tired of it. I’m not ready for sex. I may wake up somedays feening for it, for a touch I’ve never had, but its still not important. Loving touches, loving embraces, whispers, brushed of lips… that’s what I want. LOVE!

*sigh* I wish I could find it now, even though I say its okay if I don’t find it til I’m 40+. Its not. I’m lonely, right now… but I’m still scared.

I don’t know where my hearts going, where my heads going, or where I’m going. I just hope we are found soon and not lost much longer. My hope for my “lobster” is faltering. I’m so tired of sounding whiny, depressed, bitter. Especially when its self inflicted.

so many emotions going on inside me at once. so many hopes, dreams and contradictions. i'm a walking hypocrite...

GQ

Peanut posing for mom. Hes going 2 break hearts.

remembering the loved ones

Rikki

R.I.P.
July 8, 2007

She was a good girl, sister, & playmate. Shes missed deeply & dearly by all that loved her and got to know her.
But shes somewhere happier now where there is no pain.
Love you girl!

Losing this Smile

i'm losing this smile, this trademark that screams spring.
my aura is being clouded, hate pours from every pore in my body.

shes doing this to me. shes smothering me, destroying the one i've become, doing to me what her mother did to her. and yet, she'll listen to no rhyme or reason.

i'm getting my wish. a heart attack induced my her. chest pains, searing, spreading...

such a shame this wont stop her...


Killing herself slowly inside,
Spring

*sigh*

So many changes, and yet not enough.

 

Supposed to be getting ready to move out of home into my own place.  But that’s been set on hiatus for just awhile longer. T ill march or may.  That way I can save and get myself out of unknown hot water.  I cant wait, but I’d rather be able to afford it.  LOL… I do not want to work my first semester, and it'd be so nice if I could maneuver that.  So nice.  J  also, I don’t want ANY bills, and I want to be able to have some things for up there.  Like my sewing machine/table, my desk, my  new computer, my art desk, my scrap booking materials/desk… all sorts of things that’d id like it if it works out.

 

I want and will become more creative… get these ideas and the juices out.  J  I want to make my own sheets, tablecloth, clothes and so much more.  That way I can make stuff and sell it and earn some money.  *sigh*  wouldn’t that be absolutely wonderful.  J

 

I’m talking to David now thru texts and am so excited.  I’m going to invest in stuff for backpacking/hiking so I can start getting out more.  I need to start living a much healthier lifestyle and now is the time to start.  J  I’m so excited for it.  I just cant hold back the grins… here. 

 

Well, i've got work to do, so I’m closing this out.  J  Till later darlings.

How long can i hold out?

There have been so many times that i've just wished to give up. To let some unfathomable force come and end this existence so i can start afresh in a new life. But fear keeps the thoughts from lasting long. fear of something hearing and acting upon my spontaneous anger & depression. How do i fight the evil that is slowly enveloping my soul, my being? I dont know how to make myself be sunshine again. I dont know how to smile truly anymore. I fake it like i fake everything else. Pure happiness is a myth, a faery tale, a legend to me. Its a stranger who whisks by on winter eves and blows a chill down my spine.

I ache with longing for things i know nothing of. A hopeless romantic, sordid realist, tantric dreamer... i'm everything here and inbetween, yet i'm nothing at all. I'm just a speck on this earth like sand is just a speck on the beach. I dont shine brightly enough, to light someones life. How do i shine for someone else when i cannot shine for myself.

The ache brings me back, time and time again, to the reality who's harshness stings my eyes.

A time when suffering is no longer needed

I wish there was a place, a time, a space where suffering could be forgotten. a world where only the joys of the heart existed. Another being to snuggle with, to share secrets and hopes and possibilities with. I wish there could exist a plane where we could go to be free, free of all that binds us to this world

You have new Picture Mail!

day "romeo" left "juliet"

"boys and girls in the red light district..
take them to my room and make the dirty boys blush..."

cant think fully with that line in my head... singing along, letting hate and despair seethe from the pores that keep me bound to this earthly plane. dancing, bobbing, singing, screaming... letting it out... alone, hateful...

things happen for a reason, but why? when do you find that reason, when do they. i'm tired of their ignorance, feigning smiles when all they do is hate each other. Words never to be spoken between lovers are shared on the pillow and off… tears are shed as words are punched through hearts. And yet they keep up the play, pretending for others sakes when all they do is ruin what they are trying to protect.

Love has become a laugh for this delicate soul, something never to be desired because of what has been witnessed. Solitude is yearned to insure that one will never be hurt this way. Excutses are made to try to hide this fact, to try to pretend that the porcelain façade of the family is true, that no cracks have been placed in it and that the superglue is melting in the hate that seeps from the heads.

Minnows in shark waters, fighting for a living, hiding amongst the predators behind another rpredator. Hate begot hate, pain begot pain, and love was never begottin in this household.

Don’t know how many times the thought crossed the delicates mind. Take a life, teach them what they are doing. Let them live for eternity damning themselves and each other over a wrothy and valid cause. But stupid moments make stupid decisions…. So the anger seethes and wraps around the fragil soul, feeding poison thoughts into the veins of the life tree… damage the roots, let it drift into the waves of hurt. Who can tell whats what anymore…

“I’m tired of this feeling”… a sentence I write quite a lot. I’ve never been more tired before til tonight. So sick of pretending everythings okay. So sick of faking the smile and acting like I’m a saint. Smiling has begun to hurt my soul. Its not real, its just not possible for me to be this happy when theres nothing to be happy about.

Cannot wait to get free. To be free of the anger and the hurt. My soul wants to float like a balloon into the atmosphere, pop and destroy itself rather then being destroyed by some wicked and twisted child with a safety pin. I’m master of my life, and yet this dog chain on my soul speaks otherwise. Ready to break the bonds and live myself. Live and be free.

I’m heartless because I didn’t cry as he left, didn’t cry as she did. I’m heartless because I’ve heard it all before and have just gone on pretending along with them that everythings okay. They have a love/hate relationship I said… but that’s a lie. They just hate each other and are scared of being alone. And me, of course, sees this and takes it the extreme. I don’t ever want to be like that so I’ll just be alone rather then unhappy and miserable for life. B ut in the end, I’m ending up just how I never wanted to be. This fucking life has no easy outs. Has no easy ins. You’re a shit out of luck while little miss irony twists her iron claws in your belly and licks at your intestines like you’re a fucky candy coated apple.

Gah, so many times I wish the razorblade was in my apple and not the childrens. How do you wash these thoughts from your body when they’ve been born into you. Ending up like everyone you’re around and yet telling yourself you’ll never end up that way.

So many turns, and yet just as many dead ends. Up is down, down is out, that way is wrong, this way never going anywhere. Fucking alice had it right when she woke up. They only way out of wonderland is with the red queen river. Slice and everythings alive, vibrant, true once again.

Never reading this again, never teling whats really happening. Don’t care if anyones hurt, don’t care if curiousity flattens them with a piano. I just don’t fucking care anymore. I hate hate HATE when a hint isn’t taken. And I hate hate HATE that I guess that its just me. All the time, its fucking me. I blame everything on myself that I could have been more insistent, could have grown up sooner. I grew up long ago and am fighting for this childhood now. Emotionally I was killed, so I fight for anything that I have left in this shell.

Anything worth fighting for? I ask myself day in and day out. No true beauty in the heart, everythings painted on following the close little guide with the itty bitty numbers. No wonder why the 8’s painted as if it’s a 0. I hate the feelings that well in my chest, that cause it to tighten, stealing breath from sacs that desperately want to go both ways.

The feeling of wanting to be loved, and yet wanting to hate. How can both feelings exist so strongly in one being so adamant on giving up on them both altogether. Cannot disguise that fact that its all hypocritical, hypochondrical, “LOOK AT ME AND SEE THE REAL ME” bullshit. No better then anyone who willingly slits wrists with teeth of stars and fingers made by xacto.

So many feelings all at once, a sea swallowing jonah, not the whale. Something bigger wishing to break free form the ivory confines of the ebony being. So endless, so dark, so foreboding the soul that speaks of intimacy and hopefulness….

The abyss has swallowed the heart and soul, say goodbye as the new sun rises………………………..

Too many Times

(randomness)

©Spring C Hyde

I've thought of your smile, smothering mine with a slight kiss,
touching my soul with fingertips tainted with scorned love.
I've ached for those very fingers to scorch my being,
burning yourself into my core, making me yours

.....one.......syll*a*ble.....at.....a.....time.....

break me, make me bend to your whim,
create your slave based on unhinged rivalry.
Tear me open and ravish me,
Leaving nothing but crumbling sanity behind.

Make me reach out into the darkness,
Grasping for the coldness you’ve become,
Reach into my existence and rip it from me
So that I only need you,
that this aching in my heart will be yours and yours alone.

And when you’ve heard me cry out,
Grasp my hands down,
Bind me with your flesh and force the ache from my throat.
I cry your name, and you don’t hear.
You’ve lost me in your desperate act of trying to prove your existence.

You tear through me, trying to feel something.
My cries echo, but only your voice is heard,
The soft screaming of a tormented soul
Plays over and over,
Our sad melody of love.

©Spring C Hyde

I Dont Deserve This Feeling

but for some odd reason, i have a sense of loss and lonliness right now... idk why... just i feel... empty... suddenly empty...

my arms feel cold, my heart heavy with unshared emotions...

i'm aching for someone...

but i dont know who...

a familiar voice? an unfamilar feeling?

idk...

i just know... this strange... achign feeling... in my chest...

but i dont know who its for...

Aching Touch

~not sure if this is unfinished yet or not~

© Spring C. Hyde

My fingertips ache for you…
They miss caressing your neck,
Feeling you tighten at the thrill of a touch,
Sensitive where you didn't know you were.
You thrill at my hands,
Excited, confused, enticed, desiring…

Just… one… more… touch…

His Grip

Another possibly unfinished one

© Spring C. Hyde

I can feel his grip, pulling me down into his world.
Holding tight this feeling neither of us have felt before.
He grasps my hips, pulling me deeper onto him,
I fight like a cheetah for her dinner.
So satisfying, so sustaining.
I cant get enough.
A thirsty man looking for that last drop,
I want more of this love,
More until we run out.

My God, I hope we never run out.

She Just Wont Listen Nemore.

We Think We Own The Joint.

She Makes My Heart Skip A Beat

Shes So Melancholy

I Have 2 Steal My Kisses

My sanity is slowly being pulled from my cold, dead fingers

March 10, 2007

This is a day I should be happy. A day that I should be thankful and proud. Jay (umbra) was born today. A soul that I’ve found comfort in, a soul that knows me like I was herself. A true friend, a soul friend.

And yet, I’m angry. Angry and bitter. I grind my teeth in hatred and loathing. I scream inside my head, angry words, words of hate, harm, and vulgarities. But I cant help myself. I’m just so angry anymore. My head aches, my heart aches, my soul is torn. I don’t know what to do. I don’t find solace in liquor, I don’t find hope in the internet. I try to escape into the realms of homework, into learning, creating. But I’m not allowed to linger for long. I don’t know what to do anymore… everythings black. Darkness is engulfing my sunshine. I’m not going to bloom anymore. I don’t want to bloom anymore.

I’m tired f having to fake happiness because people find it odd for me to be sad, to be angry. True bitterness leaks from my eyes. Holding it all in till I explode. Rose pattered rubber lining walls will not hold me in. Strapping my being together, in hopes of immobility, does not help. I break free, screaming, again, internally. My voice is too scared to be heard. To scared of breaking the façade, the perfectly painted picture of a lonely, loving flower.

What would happen if someone found out my true interior? An interior layered in pervertedness, in lost hopes and dreams, hypocritical writings lining shelves layered with dust and lies. I’m not pristine. I’m not an angel. And yes, I can do whatever I set my mind to. Quit distracting me, quit expecting of me, quite holding me back and trying to paint me into everything you are not or wished to be. Do you not realize that I am my own being? My own sentinel? Let me colonize my heart the way I want. Let me make mistakes, or not make mistakes.

Don’t tell me what I should have, or should do. Let me love how I want to be love and love who I want to love. I’m just so tired of people telling me what I should look for in love and what I should avoid. You know what? Shove all these ideas deep down so you’ll shut up. There, I said it. I’m tired of love advice from people. I’m tired of them telling me stuff when they are the fools who settled. I’m just so tired of everything.

Living like a hermit has never sounded so inspiring. Living alone, free to do what I will… That is where I am headed. Contact with another person would be a thing of yearning, like the midnite yearning for chocolate.

*sigh* I say this and I know for a fact I’d be running to my life lines…

I hate these moods, I hate these phases…. I hate hating, period… I don’t like pitying myself or getting pity from others. But I just don’t know what to do anymore. My sanity is literally being held together by a thread. A solitary sinew of tissue and muscle. My heart is in the grasp of the dark, billowy figure known as irony.

ill-educated

these tears just keep coming, no matter how much i fight them back. they force themselves through the black velvet cloaks and break into a run for ruby partness. How have they become so educated in the lost arts of hurting a woman?

the pain, the torment, the indecencies... they shine through irradescent lies to prophesize the enduring heartache of a virgins love. So many decadent truths and so many delicate tales. how can one sift through the endless supply without shedding a little love?

Hard as marble, but carved with bone. The expected image of a soul left in mourning for a body she never owned. A being forced to endure heartache after heartache without ever realizing what was happening.

her souls been violated with unfamilar feelings. Feelings shes never bothered to harbor. Depression, lonliness, need, lust... unfamilar to her aura. Recharging while drainig and draining while contemplating how to conquer unknown foes.

the heart curtsies to the palace of temptation, turns her back and walks away, never allowing the damned current of emotions into her realm. Savoring for herself the sweet lilacy dreams of settling for general needs. infidelity is now.... a heartbeat away....

save yourself while the strings dangle loosely. Dont attach yourself to a being that slowly.... killing themself... from the inside....


one....








dream......









at a...............

















TIME!!!!!!!

the tight ropes getting thinner

i just dont know what to do anymore. my heart hurts, my head aches, my stomach recoils. i just want to vomit all the hypocritical lies out o fmy soul and start fresh. But how? How do i do that? i dont have a lot of time, i dont have patience, i dont even know where i'd began.

i need to better my body and my heart. I need to educate myself and exercise my mind. But which do i start with first? which would prepare me best for the other?

i'm just so lost. I dont knw what i want to do anymore (save my degree). I want to move out, i want to stay home. I want to work on my car, my room, my art, my collections, my dogs, etc... so much i want to do, yet i never do ANY of it. I dont know WHO i am anymore.

i think i've gotten myself so used to hiding behind a smile, letting myself imagine that a world can exist with no bad, that i am the clown performing to make others happy, and not truly caring if i do or not.

my sanity and heart are being washed away.....

condemned to a life of tears, of anguish, of hate. The day has been a rocky roller coaster, and my life feels like its a bout to break. I dont know what i'm donig anymore. If i didnt fear the outcome, i'd be really close to committing inconceivable acts.

But the fear, as always (but in some ways i'm happy), holds me back.

My life has become a twisted, elegant, play of irony and hypocrisy. Creating a tango foreign to my existence, something i need to survive. Ive thrown myself into the rabbit hole, still trying after all this time to figure out which ways up and right.

Anger seethes in my veins, seeps out on a tongue clasped tightly between teeth so as to not step out of character. eyelids burn iwth a desire for the unreal, but fate has other plans. Sleepless unholy nights ahead for now and all eternity. Sleep is for the weak and inhuman. HAHA... what funny words my mind plays when the obvious lacking *sighs* quietly into a bullhorn.

Dont be noticed, but cant live without acknowledgement. The irony is sugary coated, tempting hte holy virgin on high heeled lies and gossamer dreams. A night created soley to devirginize a mind and its soul.