Alice's world never looked so appealing

This world is opening up to me, creating a roadway that only my soul can travel to the destination that i've created for myself. A worold where i can be me, become what i've always wished to be. Create things i've only thought of in my wildest dreams. This destinatin will become home to my dreams.

a realization.....

i've realized... I'm in love. I'm not in love with anyone, but i'm in love and waiting for the right one to fill the empty space thats reserved in my heart. To realize this eye opening truth is the first step. To keep my eyes open so that i may find this love, that will be the test.

How do i find the one i want to love when i run from every possibility, fearing fakeness, lies, and suffer from self-criticizing.

the skys will cry

The skys are gray outside... finally looking beautiful in this world obsessed with color. Cleanliness is but a few rain drops away, line up and hand in your tickets of shame and we'll be with you shortly....

HOw many times have i looked at this sky, and wondered, is the one for me looking at it also? But then i question this. What if my soul mate, the one to be with me through this life and every other, wont be found until a later life? What if they've meet their demise or were born in another time, another era? HOw do you find this so-called soulmate?
I believe in all the rumors of love, and all the rumors of soulmates, even though they havent been proven to me. The only thing i've seen is obsession being acted upon and suffering for a lifetime. And yet, i know thats not what its all about. I know theres more out there. Theres more to experience and theres more to learn.
With so many people on this earth, how can we be alone?

All I have to do is open my eyes and my heart and the one will come running into my being, and i'll never know what hit me.

*sigh* the simplicity of unorthodox love. A dream that so few have experienced, but many have cast aside.

secrets of the heart cannot be learned until the owner is willing to recognize them

Why, in my world, is it so much easy to not do, than to conquer? Important, needs done now tasks take a lifetime to get accomplished. But isn’t that how life should be? Enjoying it? Putting what needs to be done on hold to enjoy all that’s around you for just a little longer? In this world, where things can happen in the blink of an eye, do you want to go without enjoying it? Reality has started snapping its fingers in front of me, making me realize that the truth of the matter is that I need to live this life for myself. Live it to the fullest until someone comes along who will depend on me.

But how do I live when my idea of living is different from the worlds, from colleagues, from almost everyone? Sitting outside, listening to the rain or reading a good book curled up with my dog is the absolute relaxation and nirvana for me. Its reality bursting to the rim that makes me adore these small moments more and more.

But these moments when I’m alone, procrastinating on homework with no one to talk to, do I realize how lonely I am. I put up a half & half front, pretending I’m absolutely happy with how I am, who I am, and where I am. But in reality, my heart breaks when i read or watch something, and see those lonely embraces that wipe away all evil and bad lurking thoughts or feelings. That one action, I never realize, is very important in a persons existence. I never realized it until I stopped receiving them. As childish as it is, I haven’t received a hug from someone other my family or close, almost sister, friend in, well, almost never.

It’s a luxury I’ve never had, a luxury that I always overlooked, thinking it was overrated, and now, when I need it most, I’m scared. I’m alone. I’ve cut out anyone who made me feel like I didn’t matter, and am left with practically no one. I’ve always been alone, just with one or two close friends, who when i was younger weren’t really friends. And now, I’m alone again. I should be used to it, and I am, but I’m still lonesome. I still long for a warm body to hold me, or let me hold them. So many possibilities lying in wait in this frame, I don’t know how to handle. I’m losing my sense on reality, slipping behind in duties that need to be done, and I can’t tell anyone.

How do you tell people around you that you’re lonely, that you wish with all your might someone would force themselves into your life that wouldn’t make you flee? That just looking in their eyes, hearing their voice, their thoughts, opinions, words and seeing their smile would keep you coming back for more? A hopeless romantic in a cynics universe. No one will ever be good enough, because I won’t just settle. I won’t let someone belittle me the way I’ve seen others let it be done. I don’t want to be ruled and I don’t want to rule. I want an equal relationship with hopeless, endless, forever binding devotion. I want someone that I could just lose myself in endless conversations about nothing, but about everything. A relationship with competitiveness, but not wanting to outdo each other on everything. I want someone who can smile and laugh and joke about absolutely nothing, who will laugh at me in a good way and make me feel better when I make a stupid joke.

I need someone who will let me hold them, or who will just want to hold me. Someone who’s grown up, but not too grown up to where they cant enjoy all the small pleasures that are left to be experienced in our world, both together and alone. There are so many things to be shared, so many things to be learned, but where do you find someone to meet these expectations.

I’ve always hated trying to list the perfect partner for me, because I felt like I was being too picky and that I was narrowing the field for me. But to be honest, the secrets of the heart cannot be learned until the owner is willing to start recognizing them. The mind is the greatest thing one needs to look for. Without a mind, without knowledge, life gets dull. And a good smile is always a plus.

But really, where do I look? Should I look? Should I even care? I’ve acted like I don’t care all along, should I just keep up with it, or should I start to be honest? And who do I be honest with? There’s no one left in my life. Everyone is getting cut out because of their dishonesty with me, so who do I turn to? Who do I run to when my tears become to much for my lids to bear, and who do I run to when all the weight in my world becomes too much for my shoulders to bear?

In a world where loneliness is the new pink, what do I do? How do I admit to people that I am scared of becoming a spinster? I’m scared of never loving, never being loved and never sharing love. I’m scared of never sharing this heart, this heart that’s begun to beat and cry so frantically in my chest. But I don’t want to be desperate, I don’t want to settle, I don’t want just anyone. I want someone who will help me forget all those who need forgetting. Someone who will help me see all the stars in the sky, and in their eyes.

Someone who can whisper nothings to me that will mean the world to me. The perfect man is out there somewhere. But I don’t know where, and rejection has me so scared, that I’m too frightened to go out and look. See the good in everyone, but what if all I’m seeing is my naivety reflected off their hidden meanings, setting myself up for heartbreak over and over.

How do I love when I’ve never even been in love before? I know I’ve thought I was, but now I know that wasn’t real love. There was no way that could have been real love, because real love should only be able to be shared between two people. It should be two way, not one. But how do you tell the world that? How do you tell anyone that? And how do you know when you are truly in love? Do you have to lie to your mind? To your Eyes? To your heart? Can you lie to yourself? How do you conquer the loneliness?

I don’t know what to do anymore. My heart doesn’t know which way to go. So many doubts are swimming in my head, I don’t know which way is right anymore. I don’t know what would make me happy, and I don’t know where to look for all these answers.

I’m simply a hypocritical, fool wandering around in this love impoverished world, looking for the missing chunks of a heart and finding nothing in return.

My life is a carousel

My life spins and plays music, as if it will always do it. Nothing mixed up, nothing changing. the same cracked paint, unicorn is driving my stationary sled... I can never get anywhere in life, if i let myself stay here, letting myself be led on the imaginary circle of an imaginary 'train'. Take the risk of getting dizzy and get up, get up and force myself forward... dont ever stop. If you stop, you lose, if you dont keep going forward, dreams will disappear into the recess of a broken heart, a broken soul.
Keep it all together, keep working, striving for the end. The end, a life of acceptance, a life of happiness, a life void of regrets. Work for who you wish to become, not what others want you to be.

{in the process of being realized... have patience, the author will share when she is ready}

a million different ways, a million different hearts, n its u ive chosen.

all i see is your face anymore? an overly addictive personality has discovered her new muse. How do i cope with this new realization? this new hoplessness that literally has no ends... the problem cannot be found, cannot be tracked, cannot even be dreamed no longer. Taken from my life by my own means, and now i live to regret the choices the old naive me made years ago when i longed for acceptance and friendship.

But how i've soon realized those ties were simple cotton candy strings that were eaten by fate and irony while my back was turned to help another fellow friend out. Old ties, older than my life, are proving to be more true than just the old ties... New ties are helping me, helping me create and become the someone i wish to be... No room for the fakes, no room for the undedicated. Only room for me and those who wish to be here with me.

Life will keep throwing lemons at me, and i'll keep making the lemon meringue pies for all of society to enjoy. Throw them at me or at those who you hate, i will not hold it against you, since i supplied the "hate crime" weapon of choice...

so many choices, so little life

anthropology is my choice no matter what. but should i double major or minor or what? im young, but i dont have all my lifd nemore. i dont know what 2 do nemore. parks recreation, archaeology, etc. i dont know what 2 do. its not like i have friends 2 worry about spending time with, so i could even c about double majoring n minoring in sumthing. *sigh* so many choices, not enough life.

Am I Looking at Stars Underneath You?

These past few days, my heart has been tearing apart. I've thought about what needs to be done, what's been done and what should have been done. I'm being pulled in fifty-million directions and there's nowhere for me to hide to breathe. My hands shake with each letter I type, my eyes burn as each truth is carefully and painstakingly brought into reality. How did I let myself get into these situations? How did I let my heart get torn from the cavity of my soul?

Why didn't I say no and keep things to myself? So badly do I want to share and let myself pour open in hope that someone will care and lend an ear and not judge. How badly I have been proven wrong.

But these faceless people that I have meet, have proven to be what I need. They've shared with me and listened to me, but I don't wish to take advantage of it all. Take advantage and lose those freshly built friendships.

Ill educated, but loving to learn. Hate being corrected, even though I know I was wrong. I'm a walking hypocrite, a walking time-bomb. How can I get others to stand being around me, when I criticize everything I've done or said when no ones around? I'm told I'm witty, but I don't believe it. I hear or read what I've said, and I think to myself, "I sound childish, like the people I do not wish to have in my life, and yet I'm running away from them and not myself."

I don't know how to be real around people. I don't know what its like to carry on an intellectual conversation with people. No one wishes to learn about the other cultures I've read up on or to share information that they've learned. Its always conversations of no real importance. Movies, TV, BOYS… yes, those are good to talk about, but not all the time. Entice me, provoke me, challenge me. Those are the real things I look for…

Dating has never been big with me, neither has crushing on people. I drove myself towards one person in high school because I feared losing the person I had become in Junior high, someone who I shouldn't have been proud of.

And because of this, I lost sight of the few who treated me right. I clouded them out of my eyes as just friends. Or I talked them into dating my friends who liked them. I never believed I was anyone's type. Never believed anyone when they complimented me or wanted to go out with me. I had many doubts about who I was as a person. People tried to boost my esteem, but now, I don't think they ever really believed it. So many things are happening now to where I am starting to regret things in my past.

I put my happiness last. I believed that friends would always be the only thing I needed. That has proved fatally wrong. And now that I've realized this, its too late for the one someone who I think would have been perfect. Now I'm trying to track him down. If not to release my heart, to at least have him back in my life.

When he was around me, he was different. I could tell he was being himself. He walked me to class when his class was in another building or just down the hall. But he always walked me to class first. I always saw it as a friendship thing, nothing more. And the more and more I think about everything, the more I realized he was hinting, trying to become more than a friend. But why couldn't I see it? I was clouding my judgment, clouding those who saw me and liked what they saw. Never believed I was anyone's type, had low self esteem, even though I faked I didn't.

I've learned to lie to myself while I lie to others. A tricky feat, and one that's coming undone. I no longer wish to see myself the way I want to be seen. I'm seeing myself as I am, and I'm not happy. Now I'm putting myself first and am not putting up with what I used to. I'm coming off as a bitch, but I don't care anymore, my happiness is what I should be striving for. I have to put up with myself all the time, so I need to become what I want to become. A better person. I need too look after myself better and take better care of my sanity and my health. No more bowing down to others. I have a lot to accomplish before I start my new life up at NAU. And I'm getting to the point where I wish I had someone, HIM, to share it with.

I know I keep bringing him up, but he's all that's on my mind now. He changed, and people didn't like him, but I still did. I've been looking at his pictures, and keep wishing I could have tried to be with him, see what it was like. He did small little things that people made fun of about him, but to me, they were the greatest. He showed that he cared for others more than himself, and he was walked all over. And in the end, he became something that others despised, yet he was true to himself. It was beauty walking.

The Truth of Heart Realized too Late

So i've had a realization. There is one regret that i have in my life, more than anything... And that is when i gave up my heart to let my friends have happiness. I dont know why, but i've thought of him a lot lately. I've been remembering all the sweet, awkward converstations we had when he walked me to class. Sad thing is, i never realized till now (8 years later) that those werent friends walking to class. I gave up my chance with him because my friend liked him.

And he became awkward around me after that. But i remember all the small things that made him special to me. The song titles for his band, the projects he worked on for classes. i still have a guitar pik he gave me. I never realized until recently though, what a good guy was standing right there in front of me. And i dont know what happened but he changed. Something bad happened because he changed completely. I always caught glimpses of his inner self, of what he used to be, but then he tried to hide it completely.

I wish there was a way of finding him. Even if it is just to talk... Why is my heart hurting now? probably because i realized that giving my heart up for a friend was a stupid mistake. No one ever did it for me. It happened not once, but twice. Two different people. Two people who i think could have gone somewhere. but fear and friendship held me back. I had false ideals, false friendships, and even worse, false eyes.

I always thought that friendship should come before matters of the heart, but that isnt true. You need to just follow your heart, you need to open yourself up because friendship wont always be there, and neither will love. My heart's breaking too loudly, so i bid adieu....

My hearts tearing itself open

i keep thinking about those two. THe ones i should have had a chance with, but let others have htem. What a good friend i was, and now i'm not friends with them. I could have been happy. Now one i dont know whats happened to him, i want to know, want to track him down, discover his new self or if he hasnt changed at all. the other, he's taken, and i dont think i'm his type anymore. no more times with bright orange casts and songs about "shit on a stick for dinner".

I miss those days, more then anything, i miss them. I wish i could rewind and bring them back, give them chances, or keep in touch and have known them better... the regrets of the heart hurts worse than anything.

Life comes flying at me like a baseball bat

too much going on, i'm starting to get overwhelmed. Try to vent to "her" and get nothing but more stress, more anger, more irritability. Tired of feeling like my chest is being squeezed slowly through a juicer. And they want me to live 4 more years with them? I think not. I cannot wait to be out now. be on my own, walk around in MY home in only underwear and a tee or tank... *sigh* the freedom of it all just sounds amazing the more and more time passes....

Times r changin. 2morrow,i take another step 2 becomin an adult. So many dreams 2 share n wrk 2wards.No longer fearin it.Im lookin 4ward 2 it.

Life is beginning to look fresher

Since the decision was made to attend NAU, i've felt like something lighter has lifted off my chest. Like i'm finally empowering myself and i'll be able to fly free and become what i've dreamt of being. a Human being, no longer mooching off people, providing an existence for myself that no one can deny me any longer. I will become an adult, i will follow my dreams and I WILL make them all come true. THey can only become something more then a dream if i make it so....

Life keeps throwing me curve balls, and bends in my road, but i 'll mow them all down, i'll show the world what i'm capable of. That i can live up to my name, a name that was given to me out of hope and miracles. I will not make anyone disappointed anymore. I will not disappoint myself anymore. And i wont put up with anyone disappointing me either. I wont let myself be used anymore, i wont let myself be overlooked, i wont let myself be walked on. I now have something to strive for and i wont let myself be held back out of fear or lonliness. I'm no longer alone... I've made some true friends who worry about me, who actually care about me. THey dont know me in person, so they cant ask for money or chew my ear jsut to talk about themselves. They actually know my mind. Its a good feeling to have.

I'm sick of being around conversations of how drunk somone was, or how hot this boy/girl was or the sex theyve had/havent had recently. This is all trivial stuff. I want to talk about art, about authors and books, about the weather, about politcs, about things that weve learned recently. Anything that is small and insignificant, yet can speak a thousand ideas in a short amount of time. I wish to be surrounded by grownups, or those who strive to grow up. I'm not in highschool anymore, so why should i act and talk like one?


NAU will become my sanctity. The place where i shall become what i've always wanted. Ihope to become a better person, and i know i will. Its just a matter of how much time it takes.

Dreams await me tonight and forever.

Sweet dreams

nothing is going on around me, but its always good to check

Tomorrow is the first step towards ~ME~

so yes, officially, tomorrow is the big step for me... My dad and i head up to NAU to do a campus tour and hopefully speak with an advisor.. what can i say. I'm excited. I am actually looking forward to this rather than start getting nervous and wanting to wimp out. I have such a good feeling and am in the process of TRYING to get my life organized so that i wont have too much to worry about... LOL... IE: BILLS

thats all i want for XmAs too, money to pay off the bills.... *sigh* i sit here and think, if i hadnt racked up these bills, i could use the money and bonus for fun stuff... but of course, i caused myself to be in this rut, so i'll get it out before its too late... I'm a big girl, and yes, i can do it... :)

I also need to get bambaroo taken care of (her heart) so she can enjoy it up there. I think it'll be good for her. I also would like to start and try to loose weight before i go up there. That way i can fit into some of my old clothes and hopefully save some money from clothes shopping... haha..

but this week for school work, i have a compare and contrast essay for english, for gender and society and essay about gender and crime, and then i get to dissect my squid. its going to be interesting... LOL.. i also have to try and pull some extra hours to make up for the 2 days i missed... i cannot afford to loose anymore money. LOL



I REALLY hope that i can transfer some of my credits up to NAU. I also hope i dont have to take any ACTs or SATs... I suck bad at taking tests... but if i have to, i can always wait till i turn 24 and go up... you dont have to take anything to possibly be enrolled. LOL

I need to get as much info on their anthropology program AND their overseas program.... That way i know what to look forward too..

oh yeah, and for your pleasure, Bambaroo's halloween pics...

A sad, sad truth I've come to realize

I'm something thats taken advantage of. Like Oxygen. You forget its there, forget that you need it till you no longer have it. No one calls, no one writes, no one does anything towards me and i'm refusing to do it. I've done it. All i get are these lame excuses of "i'm busy". sorry, what do you think i am? I'm going to school, i'm working... is that not being busy?

whatever, i'm just sick of it.... its getting really ridiculous... i'm tired of only being sent text messages to say "hey, i got something new...." WTF... write me to write me... i'm going to be doing a complete life changing situation since i'm going up to NAU. probably going to write out a lot of people... get shopping under control (damn my mangas, why cant the series i have just freakin end already.... LOL)

*sigh*

leaves change, as do hearts

Times are interesting as the leaves change. Do peoples hearts change that easily, or is that caused by fear. Fear to love and be loved. Fear of living alone, loving alone, ending up alone. To tie oneself down with these fears is to seal the fate that you feared. Love freely, live freely, do not fear what should come natural... But dont go rushing blindly into something you are not prepared for. With every action, there is consequences.

Too many people are out there trying to live their lives as if nothing can touch them. And when others get involved, whether on purpose or not, those who created the problem do not care. All they see is a new mouth to feed, another "opinion" to listen too.. its the same ole' same ol' and everyones too afraid to admit it.

THAT is whats wrong with the world today. No one is willing to admit they were wrong or they cant handle it.

The days are getting shorter

thank god. I cant tell you how happy i am that winter is slowly starting to get here. Its been a long time coming. As much as i love Arizona, i would love to be someplace where 9 times out of 10 you need a jacket, or a coat or something. I wish it would rain more often. I think that i'm finally starting to get a view of the big picture. But sadly, i say this when i'm procrastinating on homework. haha.. how ironic, eh?

What are my goals and aspirations you ask? easy, to travel and study other cultures. To travel to different worlds on our earth, and to educate those who may never go. I want to give hope for the future, educate them, even create something with them, for them. I have so many dreams and aspirations, and yet i feel like i don't have enough time. Not enough time in this one lifetime. I'm a jill of all trades. Too many goals for one little body that i dont know how to take care of.

But you see, life is funny like that, isn't it? it likes to tease you and taunt you, wave the dreams three inches from your nose, waiting for you to grasp at it before they yank it back. Fate is such a cruel temptress....