i have changed, and definitely not for the better. I used to be more up on sending emails, cards, calling people, keeping things updated, downloading and reading manga and so much more. and after the first 4 months of this year and a half, all that changed. I still don't know why or how. I still have my dreams, but being up here, while living them, i still didn't feel complete. i actually let so many other things overpower me. i let myself disappear.
How do i recover myself? how do i reinstate myself into this world that i've let myself just stand there and watch it all go by? there are so many things i'm scared of, and i just don't know how to conquer them. i try to talk to people, i try to figure things out, i try to change myself... and yet none of it works. all it causes is strife and arguements and misunderstandings. Its the reason i prefer to do things on my own and keep things to myself. and yet i can't anymore. things have built up so much that i cannot keep it in. but i don't like letting it all out. the wrong people get upset, the wrong people speak out, the wrong people get hurt....
being a grownup sucks in so many ways... and yet, i feel like i'll never be allowed to be a grownup except by my birthday. No one takes me seriously and always talks down to me. i hate confrontations and can never stand up for myself properly... How can i make people see me how i want to be seen? as an adult trying to make grown up decisions...
25 August 2011
The girl who once was...
"What happened to the girl that i used to be?
Where did she go?
This shell wanders this wasteland, looking for a sign of whats happened, of whats become of this girl once called Spring.
A light in the dark, the sun shining from behind the rain clouds, a presence of support for all around her...
and yet all that remains in this husk is the memories, the bad over running the good, clouding what was once so good...
Sometimes mysteries can be a good thing, but in times like these, they are just suffocating..."
Not really a poem, just more of thoughts thrown together for no real amusement but more an attempt at trying to discover what once happened to a bright shining soul... nothing tragic broker me, and yet i cannot figure out how i came to be broken so bad. My light has dimmed so drastically, for almost no reason at all.
All the things i once held dear, the things i went out of my way to do... its all disappeared. Days have melted into months and months into years. I can't tell my ups from downs anymore and i've lost my hold in this world. Existing with no purpose... its almost like i'm going to have to force myself to be 're'born again... my first birth was not supposed to happen, and yet it did. my 're'birth appears to be the same fate, so i must step it up. Make sure that i make up for all that has happened during this time that has broken me. Show the world that i can be unstoppable, and stop myself from screwing up again...
i allowed myself to be broken, destroyed, forgotten... now, i must make sure that this isn't my fate, just a misstep... i can do this, as long as i keep believing and change things in my life.
+added: i need to get back to my writing and creativity in order to remember who i was, where i came from and where i was going...
Where did she go?
This shell wanders this wasteland, looking for a sign of whats happened, of whats become of this girl once called Spring.
A light in the dark, the sun shining from behind the rain clouds, a presence of support for all around her...
and yet all that remains in this husk is the memories, the bad over running the good, clouding what was once so good...
Sometimes mysteries can be a good thing, but in times like these, they are just suffocating..."
Not really a poem, just more of thoughts thrown together for no real amusement but more an attempt at trying to discover what once happened to a bright shining soul... nothing tragic broker me, and yet i cannot figure out how i came to be broken so bad. My light has dimmed so drastically, for almost no reason at all.
All the things i once held dear, the things i went out of my way to do... its all disappeared. Days have melted into months and months into years. I can't tell my ups from downs anymore and i've lost my hold in this world. Existing with no purpose... its almost like i'm going to have to force myself to be 're'born again... my first birth was not supposed to happen, and yet it did. my 're'birth appears to be the same fate, so i must step it up. Make sure that i make up for all that has happened during this time that has broken me. Show the world that i can be unstoppable, and stop myself from screwing up again...
i allowed myself to be broken, destroyed, forgotten... now, i must make sure that this isn't my fate, just a misstep... i can do this, as long as i keep believing and change things in my life.
+added: i need to get back to my writing and creativity in order to remember who i was, where i came from and where i was going...
Where is this path leading...
I sit here, wondering if my choices are the right ones or am i going to have some drastic consequences that i must deal with in the near future. I've started doubting myself and my ability to handle every day normal tasks. it seems, anymore, that i'm incapable of handling normal, stressful situations.
This scares me for one simple reason. During one of these 'episodes', am i going to do something more that i would regret, or may not even have the chance to regret.
I pretend that i'm strong, that i am nothing but strength behind every one of these walls that i've built up. and yet when it comes down to me and only me, i break down, showing my true vulnerability to no one...
I've always been a hypocritical mess, but lately, its been stronger in more and more aspects of my life then before. I don't want someone, and yet i desperately want someone to pour myself into. and its not how people want someone in their life to have someone. no, i need someone in my life. i need someone to pour my soul out to, to hug me when i need it most, to accept me and all my faults (every vast number of them)... i want to be loved unconditionally, not just loved for how i seem. i want someone to know every dark secret of me, every stupid moment and emotion, and know that all i'm looking for is someone to listen and hug me. i want a best friend/soul mate far more then the intimacy that so many people are hunting for now a days...
and i hate being like that. I am awkward, uncomfortable and stubborn. i don't know how to change my ways, and i'm not entirely sure that i want to. its so easy being along and how i've been for so long, that i don't know if i can be any other way. but i also don't want to miss out on life like i've been... i haven't lived, and that is truly what scares me the most. if i were to die now, there is nothing to show for it. i haven't graduated, i have hardly lived on my own, i have no children, no loves, no published works, nothing. i haven't traveled, loved, shared, helped, nothing. i have simply... existed...
how can one change when they don't know how to change or how they want to change?
This scares me for one simple reason. During one of these 'episodes', am i going to do something more that i would regret, or may not even have the chance to regret.
I pretend that i'm strong, that i am nothing but strength behind every one of these walls that i've built up. and yet when it comes down to me and only me, i break down, showing my true vulnerability to no one...
I've always been a hypocritical mess, but lately, its been stronger in more and more aspects of my life then before. I don't want someone, and yet i desperately want someone to pour myself into. and its not how people want someone in their life to have someone. no, i need someone in my life. i need someone to pour my soul out to, to hug me when i need it most, to accept me and all my faults (every vast number of them)... i want to be loved unconditionally, not just loved for how i seem. i want someone to know every dark secret of me, every stupid moment and emotion, and know that all i'm looking for is someone to listen and hug me. i want a best friend/soul mate far more then the intimacy that so many people are hunting for now a days...
and i hate being like that. I am awkward, uncomfortable and stubborn. i don't know how to change my ways, and i'm not entirely sure that i want to. its so easy being along and how i've been for so long, that i don't know if i can be any other way. but i also don't want to miss out on life like i've been... i haven't lived, and that is truly what scares me the most. if i were to die now, there is nothing to show for it. i haven't graduated, i have hardly lived on my own, i have no children, no loves, no published works, nothing. i haven't traveled, loved, shared, helped, nothing. i have simply... existed...
how can one change when they don't know how to change or how they want to change?
14 August 2011
Tired of being an option
"Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option"
So tired of realizing how much I am an option in peoples lives. I'm supposed to be these peoples person they always turn to, the one that they spill and vent to and i know every dark side of them. And yet, this past week, i have been nonexistant. I have no clue whats going on in their lives. I text and call and nothing until a brief 15 minutes before they fall asleep.
I don't like the feeling of being replaceable. Thats not what this is supposed to be. I'm sick and tired of this. I understand that there are things going on in your life, yet when i'm having a bad day, you hate it when i don't message you. I can't stand for this hypocrisy. It sickens me and just ruins my health and mentality. Its like being in a relationship with someone who only wants you there when its convenient for them.
I just don't know what to do. I can't fully confront this person, and yet, all i do is hurt and cry over this situation. its unfair to me and maybe a little bit selfish, but i just don't understand why only certain things i can be there for you and then you decide suddenly that i can't be there for the rest.
You've always been a priority to me even when i was an option and i thought things had changed these past few years. Oh reality, how your bitchslap stings....
So tired of realizing how much I am an option in peoples lives. I'm supposed to be these peoples person they always turn to, the one that they spill and vent to and i know every dark side of them. And yet, this past week, i have been nonexistant. I have no clue whats going on in their lives. I text and call and nothing until a brief 15 minutes before they fall asleep.
I don't like the feeling of being replaceable. Thats not what this is supposed to be. I'm sick and tired of this. I understand that there are things going on in your life, yet when i'm having a bad day, you hate it when i don't message you. I can't stand for this hypocrisy. It sickens me and just ruins my health and mentality. Its like being in a relationship with someone who only wants you there when its convenient for them.
I just don't know what to do. I can't fully confront this person, and yet, all i do is hurt and cry over this situation. its unfair to me and maybe a little bit selfish, but i just don't understand why only certain things i can be there for you and then you decide suddenly that i can't be there for the rest.
You've always been a priority to me even when i was an option and i thought things had changed these past few years. Oh reality, how your bitchslap stings....
11 August 2011
When one dream is destroyed, another rises from its ashes
No longer am i attending NAU, the school i've been dreaming of for over a decade. I'm no longer living in Flagstaff, AZ, a gorgeous town that i once called home. It is a beautiful place, one that i wish i would have had more time to take advantage of, wish i would have been more financially set to truly enjoy.
But the end of this dream isn't necessarily a bad one. I'm moving back home, 2 hours south to Phoenix, AZ. Back amongst friends, where theres more jobs available and where you can get much nicer housing for lower rent. I am getting my old job back (which i loved) and am moving in wiht a very good friend and will still be doing community college. I still plan on getting my degrees and having a life. I'm almost 28 and i need to focus on keeping me happy along with my long term goals.
Since i've moved to flag, i've experienced some amazing things, but i have also gained back all the weight i lost and have become very depressed and a huge jumble of very messed up emotions and whatnot.
It progressively got worse after my dear friend Dusti passed earlier this year. She was almost a year younger then me and she had just given birth to her only child not even a week before she passed. While being up in Flag, i didn't come downn and see alot of friends that i said i would because no one went up to see me. I had started feeling isolated, which does a lot of damage to a persons mentality. During this time, i was supposed to see Dusti, go to her babyshower, give her her birthday and christmas gifts i had for her, and yet i never did. in the entire year that i had moved until she passed, i saw her maybe twice. After that, my depression got worse and i started missing my friends and family more.
So that is part of the reason i had decided to move back. To rebuild these once strong bonds. To try and spend more time with friends and family, to watch my nephew and godsons grow up. but at the same time, be around my 'village' while i still pursued my dreams.
Whereas i feel like i've abandoned my original dream, i still have parts of it that i'm intent on making happend, and i'm trying to make sure that i remember that i'm moving for a new dream, not abandoning the old one completely.
But trying to convince yourself of the truth sometimes is much harder then one would think. Only time will tell if this is the right decision and it will help me how i need to be helped. i need to be strong in order to get where i can get the help that i need. Never was there an oxymoron so opposite and yet so true...
For now, i'm hoping to get some sleep so i can start the long long process of packing up and restarting my life. Truly hope that things will turn out better then i'm anticipating...
Fingers crossed for now,
This 'Ugly' Ducklin'
But the end of this dream isn't necessarily a bad one. I'm moving back home, 2 hours south to Phoenix, AZ. Back amongst friends, where theres more jobs available and where you can get much nicer housing for lower rent. I am getting my old job back (which i loved) and am moving in wiht a very good friend and will still be doing community college. I still plan on getting my degrees and having a life. I'm almost 28 and i need to focus on keeping me happy along with my long term goals.
Since i've moved to flag, i've experienced some amazing things, but i have also gained back all the weight i lost and have become very depressed and a huge jumble of very messed up emotions and whatnot.
It progressively got worse after my dear friend Dusti passed earlier this year. She was almost a year younger then me and she had just given birth to her only child not even a week before she passed. While being up in Flag, i didn't come downn and see alot of friends that i said i would because no one went up to see me. I had started feeling isolated, which does a lot of damage to a persons mentality. During this time, i was supposed to see Dusti, go to her babyshower, give her her birthday and christmas gifts i had for her, and yet i never did. in the entire year that i had moved until she passed, i saw her maybe twice. After that, my depression got worse and i started missing my friends and family more.
So that is part of the reason i had decided to move back. To rebuild these once strong bonds. To try and spend more time with friends and family, to watch my nephew and godsons grow up. but at the same time, be around my 'village' while i still pursued my dreams.
Whereas i feel like i've abandoned my original dream, i still have parts of it that i'm intent on making happend, and i'm trying to make sure that i remember that i'm moving for a new dream, not abandoning the old one completely.
But trying to convince yourself of the truth sometimes is much harder then one would think. Only time will tell if this is the right decision and it will help me how i need to be helped. i need to be strong in order to get where i can get the help that i need. Never was there an oxymoron so opposite and yet so true...
For now, i'm hoping to get some sleep so i can start the long long process of packing up and restarting my life. Truly hope that things will turn out better then i'm anticipating...
Fingers crossed for now,
This 'Ugly' Ducklin'
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