Dear Self....

Start Living, Stop existing.
Quit being everyones second or last resort/priority, you have only one of you, so put yourself first.
Grow a pair and quit allowing yourself to be scared when it comes to matters of the body and heart.
Quit Making excuses!
Find new dreams.
Forget the past & focus on the present and future. Those are things that you can actually help with.

How to digest ones bitter reality

It shouldn't be surprising to hear there are doubts again, that i've started questioning those that i call my friends.  Its a constant fear, a nagging worry that claws at the back of my mind and threatens to tear my heart into shreds.  I don't know why i keep on wanting to trust when i'm just meet with betrayal, doubt and loathing...  Never listened to, acknowledged, or even noticed.  This is the life i've developed as a living wallflower.  A perfect example of why one shouldn't just exist, but should instead LIVE.

Now that those chapters of my life have come to a close, i should be trying to figure out what i want out of life next. but everytime i come up with something, i realize that this presence i'm in is always going to hold back my future.  Money may not buy happiness, but it helps keep it at bay...  Got myself into trouble, financially, and i'm trying to fix it, yet it is taking forever and feels as if its suffocating me.

Things i used to love are no longer working as an outlet for me. it seems that everything it requiring more effort so its feeling more like a job rather then my escape.  Artwork, writing, traveling, dreaming... reality keeps crushing it all and making me realize that i need to find a way to stay afloat before i sink and take those around me down with me.

i'm a huge clusterf*&k of random thoughs, hopes, wonders...  I cant focus in JUST ONE thought anymore. They all cmoe running forward for their moment in the spot light.  Pages fill up as i try to rush and put everything down, high hopes that one day i'll be able to give them all the proper dedication they deserve...

i need to reinvent myself... been the same person for years now... the same hair style, the same body, the same dreams and attitude...  the outside is the easiest thing to change, and yet that never makes me feel whole for very long... how do i work on my inside when so many things are demanding my time & attention? So many unanswered questions.. but then again, maybe these questions arent supposed to have an answer...

When one dream flickers, light another one to guide your way...

One dream has partially died, but instead of fully giving up on that dream and extinguishing it, i will continue to protect it and keep its flame going but will simultaneously light a new one so my life, my path, will be lit and keep me with hope.

Because i am not a quitter but i cannot live through life without a dream.  I need something to focus on, something to strive for and keep me happy.  I need something thats short term and attainable so i can feel accomplished and create yet another dream for myself.  I need something to keep me going and to keep me happy...

So what are some of my dreams? i guess it should be considered a bucket list of sorts.  One long term, one short term... but lists nonetheless to mark things off so i can look at it and be happy and have the memories. :)

(coming soon, my starter lists... =P )

Same story, Different setting

as always, i take on more then i can handle.  But its like i subconciously like setting myself up for failure. So i'm trying to accomplish one thing at a time, which is hard. really really hard. *sigh*  have so much i need to make up for and so much i need to get done, that it just seems so overwhelming. instead of just thinking a few steps ahead, i'm having to plan for years in advance it seems. just so i can keep from struggling too much in the present and make sure i don't fail so miserably...

and yet, no matter how much i plan, i just seem to keep failing.  I know i can do this, and i know i WILL do this. just sometimes, the emotions at the moment just seem overwhelming...

the past year and a half...

i have changed, and definitely not for the better. I used to be more up on sending emails, cards, calling people, keeping things updated, downloading and reading manga and so much more. and after the first 4 months of this year and a half, all that changed. I still don't know why or how. I still have my dreams, but being up here, while living them, i still didn't feel complete. i actually let so many other things overpower me. i let myself disappear.

How do i recover myself? how do i reinstate myself into this world that i've let myself just stand there and watch it all go by? there are so many things i'm scared of, and i just don't know how to conquer them. i try to talk to people, i try to figure things out, i try to change myself... and yet none of it works. all it causes is strife and arguements and misunderstandings. Its the reason i prefer to do things on my own and keep things to myself. and yet i can't anymore. things have built up so much that i cannot keep it in. but i don't like letting it all out. the wrong people get upset, the wrong people speak out, the wrong people get hurt....

being a grownup sucks in so many ways... and yet, i feel like i'll never be allowed to be a grownup except by my birthday. No one takes me seriously and always talks down to me. i hate confrontations and can never stand up for myself properly... How can i make people see me how i want to be seen? as an adult trying to make grown up decisions...

The girl who once was...

"What happened to the girl that i used to be?

Where did she go?

This shell wanders this wasteland, looking for a sign of whats happened, of whats become of this girl once called Spring.

A light in the dark, the sun shining from behind the rain clouds, a presence of support for all around her...

and yet all that remains in this husk is the memories, the bad over running the good, clouding what was once so good...

Sometimes mysteries can be a good thing, but in times like these, they are just suffocating..."


Not really a poem, just more of thoughts thrown together for no real amusement but more an attempt at trying to discover what once happened to a bright shining soul... nothing tragic broker me, and yet i cannot figure out how i came to be broken so bad. My light has dimmed so drastically, for almost no reason at all.

All the things i once held dear, the things i went out of my way to do... its all disappeared. Days have melted into months and months into years. I can't tell my ups from downs anymore and i've lost my hold in this world. Existing with no purpose... its almost like i'm going to have to force myself to be 're'born again... my first birth was not supposed to happen, and yet it did. my 're'birth appears to be the same fate, so i must step it up. Make sure that i make up for all that has happened during this time that has broken me. Show the world that i can be unstoppable, and stop myself from screwing up again...

i allowed myself to be broken, destroyed, forgotten... now, i must make sure that this isn't my fate, just a misstep... i can do this, as long as i keep believing and change things in my life.


+added: i need to get back to my writing and creativity in order to remember who i was, where i came from and where i was going...

Where is this path leading...

I sit here, wondering if my choices are the right ones or am i going to have some drastic consequences that i must deal with in the near future. I've started doubting myself and my ability to handle every day normal tasks. it seems, anymore, that i'm incapable of handling normal, stressful situations.

This scares me for one simple reason. During one of these 'episodes', am i going to do something more that i would regret, or may not even have the chance to regret.

I pretend that i'm strong, that i am nothing but strength behind every one of these walls that i've built up. and yet when it comes down to me and only me, i break down, showing my true vulnerability to no one...

I've always been a hypocritical mess, but lately, its been stronger in more and more aspects of my life then before. I don't want someone, and yet i desperately want someone to pour myself into. and its not how people want someone in their life to have someone. no, i need someone in my life. i need someone to pour my soul out to, to hug me when i need it most, to accept me and all my faults (every vast number of them)... i want to be loved unconditionally, not just loved for how i seem. i want someone to know every dark secret of me, every stupid moment and emotion, and know that all i'm looking for is someone to listen and hug me. i want a best friend/soul mate far more then the intimacy that so many people are hunting for now a days...

and i hate being like that. I am awkward, uncomfortable and stubborn. i don't know how to change my ways, and i'm not entirely sure that i want to. its so easy being along and how i've been for so long, that i don't know if i can be any other way. but i also don't want to miss out on life like i've been... i haven't lived, and that is truly what scares me the most. if i were to die now, there is nothing to show for it. i haven't graduated, i have hardly lived on my own, i have no children, no loves, no published works, nothing. i haven't traveled, loved, shared, helped, nothing. i have simply... existed...

how can one change when they don't know how to change or how they want to change?

Tired of being an option

"Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option"

So tired of realizing how much I am an option in peoples lives. I'm supposed to be these peoples person they always turn to, the one that they spill and vent to and i know every dark side of them. And yet, this past week, i have been nonexistant. I have no clue whats going on in their lives. I text and call and nothing until a brief 15 minutes before they fall asleep.

I don't like the feeling of being replaceable. Thats not what this is supposed to be. I'm sick and tired of this. I understand that there are things going on in your life, yet when i'm having a bad day, you hate it when i don't message you. I can't stand for this hypocrisy. It sickens me and just ruins my health and mentality. Its like being in a relationship with someone who only wants you there when its convenient for them.

I just don't know what to do. I can't fully confront this person, and yet, all i do is hurt and cry over this situation. its unfair to me and maybe a little bit selfish, but i just don't understand why only certain things i can be there for you and then you decide suddenly that i can't be there for the rest.

You've always been a priority to me even when i was an option and i thought things had changed these past few years. Oh reality, how your bitchslap stings....

When one dream is destroyed, another rises from its ashes

No longer am i attending NAU, the school i've been dreaming of for over a decade. I'm no longer living in Flagstaff, AZ, a gorgeous town that i once called home. It is a beautiful place, one that i wish i would have had more time to take advantage of, wish i would have been more financially set to truly enjoy.
But the end of this dream isn't necessarily a bad one. I'm moving back home, 2 hours south to Phoenix, AZ. Back amongst friends, where theres more jobs available and where you can get much nicer housing for lower rent. I am getting my old job back (which i loved) and am moving in wiht a very good friend and will still be doing community college. I still plan on getting my degrees and having a life. I'm almost 28 and i need to focus on keeping me happy along with my long term goals.
Since i've moved to flag, i've experienced some amazing things, but i have also gained back all the weight i lost and have become very depressed and a huge jumble of very messed up emotions and whatnot.
It progressively got worse after my dear friend Dusti passed earlier this year. She was almost a year younger then me and she had just given birth to her only child not even a week before she passed. While being up in Flag, i didn't come downn and see alot of friends that i said i would because no one went up to see me. I had started feeling isolated, which does a lot of damage to a persons mentality. During this time, i was supposed to see Dusti, go to her babyshower, give her her birthday and christmas gifts i had for her, and yet i never did. in the entire year that i had moved until she passed, i saw her maybe twice. After that, my depression got worse and i started missing my friends and family more.
So that is part of the reason i had decided to move back. To rebuild these once strong bonds. To try and spend more time with friends and family, to watch my nephew and godsons grow up. but at the same time, be around my 'village' while i still pursued my dreams.
Whereas i feel like i've abandoned my original dream, i still have parts of it that i'm intent on making happend, and i'm trying to make sure that i remember that i'm moving for a new dream, not abandoning the old one completely.
But trying to convince yourself of the truth sometimes is much harder then one would think. Only time will tell if this is the right decision and it will help me how i need to be helped. i need to be strong in order to get where i can get the help that i need. Never was there an oxymoron so opposite and yet so true...
For now, i'm hoping to get some sleep so i can start the long long process of packing up and restarting my life. Truly hope that things will turn out better then i'm anticipating...

Fingers crossed for now,
This 'Ugly' Ducklin'

Pre-gaming... For the Zombie apocalypse:

In case of zombie outbreak, grab all possible food, pots/pans, drinks, medical supplies, a stash of memories (preferably the size of a shoebox), batteris, writing supplies (trust me, lol), tools (wrenches, screwdrivers, etc. they can be used as weapons and help break down/build new weapons), gps systems AND mapbooks, pillows, blankets and clothes. Lock your house up tight (in case of necessity of having to go back), and head towards the reservation on baseline. meet at the powerplant in said area and we shall caravan to safety. tough vehicles ahead and one behind and designate passenger and supply vehicles. :) Thats right, i've thought about this... 0.o

Also, just like when someone is about to have a baby, have a small suitcase packed just in preparedness. Nothing skimpy because there is no time for modesty, but nothing that will trip you up. As great as sandals are, this is not the beach and you cannot afford to worry about stepping on something or open wounds on your feet when in a fight. Combat boots are yet another great invention. Also, when in doubt, trash bags can be used for luggage (& in this case doubles as a bed), for trash removal, for weapons, supplies, slip covers, and so on. lighters and plenty of them. aersol may be bad for the ozone, but teamed with a lighter and it can save your ass. Martha stewart isnt just for crafts and the home, but can be used as inspiration for weapons and in the middle of a fight.

And its wise to either follow the Zombieland rules... or use them as a guideline. :)

1. Cardio
2. The Double Tap
3. Beware of Bathrooms
4. Wear Seat Belts
5. No Attachments
6. The “Skillet”
7. Travel Light
8. Get a Kick Ass Partner
9. With your Bare Hands
10. Don’t Swing Low
11. Use Your Foot
12. Bounty Paper Towels
13. Shake it Off
14. Always carry a change of underwear
15. Bowling Ball
16. Opportunity Knocks
17. Don’t be a hero (later crossed out to be a hero)
18. Limber Up
19. Break it Up
20. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, unless it’s a sprint, then sprint
21. Avoid Strip Clubs
22. When in doubt Know your way out
23. Zipplock
24. Use your thumbs
25. Shoot First
26. A little sun screen never hurt anybody
27. Incoming!
28. Double-Knot your Shoes
29. The Buddy System
30. Pack your stain stick
31. Check the back seat
32. Enjoy the little things
33. Swiss army Knife

And on this 'note', there will be more pregaming to come in the future... just think about it.. and prepare... ;)

What was I thinking...

I don't know what i've been thinking... lots of things are just running through my mind. EVERYTHING and yet nothing at all. I'm scared of whats going on and whats going to happen... Where do i run, who do i run to? i've got a lot that i need to spill, and yet i don't want to... my body is shutting itself up.

Self Destructive...

When will these ashes reignite....

time and time again, i've let my stubborness be my control.
someone says i cant do it, and i make sure and do it.
but lately, it seems like i can't do anything.

the way i'm viewed by others makes me feel like i've got a mask on myself to hide from myself and that everyone else sees this 'true' me.
I hate doubting myself.
Hate feeling like i'm nothing, worthless, horrible...
a mistake....

But then again, i've always thought my being here was a mistake.
Nature should have ran its course with me like it did with all my lost brothers and sisters...
I'm the rift in this world thats messed everything up and the fates are trying to correct this rift, but without getting their hands dirty.

its hard when it seems like everyone, everything is against you.
cares for you when its convenient, yells at you because you're there and they know that you'll take it.
I'm taken for granted, i'm used, i'm forgotten, i'm ignored, i'm despised....
i'm miserable.....

i'm trying to grasp onto things in this world to keep me here... but each time i find something, it slips between my fingers and i find that i have nothing.
so i go buy new things to try to keep me anchored to this world....
A temporary fix to an epic problem....

what does one do when they feel that their birth, their existence, everything about them....
has been all a lucky chance, a mistake nature didnt catch in time.....
in some ways, i wish nature would fix this problem because i havent the strength or courage to...