The girl who once was...

"What happened to the girl that i used to be?

Where did she go?

This shell wanders this wasteland, looking for a sign of whats happened, of whats become of this girl once called Spring.

A light in the dark, the sun shining from behind the rain clouds, a presence of support for all around her...

and yet all that remains in this husk is the memories, the bad over running the good, clouding what was once so good...

Sometimes mysteries can be a good thing, but in times like these, they are just suffocating..."


Not really a poem, just more of thoughts thrown together for no real amusement but more an attempt at trying to discover what once happened to a bright shining soul... nothing tragic broker me, and yet i cannot figure out how i came to be broken so bad. My light has dimmed so drastically, for almost no reason at all.

All the things i once held dear, the things i went out of my way to do... its all disappeared. Days have melted into months and months into years. I can't tell my ups from downs anymore and i've lost my hold in this world. Existing with no purpose... its almost like i'm going to have to force myself to be 're'born again... my first birth was not supposed to happen, and yet it did. my 're'birth appears to be the same fate, so i must step it up. Make sure that i make up for all that has happened during this time that has broken me. Show the world that i can be unstoppable, and stop myself from screwing up again...

i allowed myself to be broken, destroyed, forgotten... now, i must make sure that this isn't my fate, just a misstep... i can do this, as long as i keep believing and change things in my life.


+added: i need to get back to my writing and creativity in order to remember who i was, where i came from and where i was going...

Where is this path leading...

I sit here, wondering if my choices are the right ones or am i going to have some drastic consequences that i must deal with in the near future. I've started doubting myself and my ability to handle every day normal tasks. it seems, anymore, that i'm incapable of handling normal, stressful situations.

This scares me for one simple reason. During one of these 'episodes', am i going to do something more that i would regret, or may not even have the chance to regret.

I pretend that i'm strong, that i am nothing but strength behind every one of these walls that i've built up. and yet when it comes down to me and only me, i break down, showing my true vulnerability to no one...

I've always been a hypocritical mess, but lately, its been stronger in more and more aspects of my life then before. I don't want someone, and yet i desperately want someone to pour myself into. and its not how people want someone in their life to have someone. no, i need someone in my life. i need someone to pour my soul out to, to hug me when i need it most, to accept me and all my faults (every vast number of them)... i want to be loved unconditionally, not just loved for how i seem. i want someone to know every dark secret of me, every stupid moment and emotion, and know that all i'm looking for is someone to listen and hug me. i want a best friend/soul mate far more then the intimacy that so many people are hunting for now a days...

and i hate being like that. I am awkward, uncomfortable and stubborn. i don't know how to change my ways, and i'm not entirely sure that i want to. its so easy being along and how i've been for so long, that i don't know if i can be any other way. but i also don't want to miss out on life like i've been... i haven't lived, and that is truly what scares me the most. if i were to die now, there is nothing to show for it. i haven't graduated, i have hardly lived on my own, i have no children, no loves, no published works, nothing. i haven't traveled, loved, shared, helped, nothing. i have simply... existed...

how can one change when they don't know how to change or how they want to change?