ill-educated

these tears just keep coming, no matter how much i fight them back. they force themselves through the black velvet cloaks and break into a run for ruby partness. How have they become so educated in the lost arts of hurting a woman?

the pain, the torment, the indecencies... they shine through irradescent lies to prophesize the enduring heartache of a virgins love. So many decadent truths and so many delicate tales. how can one sift through the endless supply without shedding a little love?

Hard as marble, but carved with bone. The expected image of a soul left in mourning for a body she never owned. A being forced to endure heartache after heartache without ever realizing what was happening.

her souls been violated with unfamilar feelings. Feelings shes never bothered to harbor. Depression, lonliness, need, lust... unfamilar to her aura. Recharging while drainig and draining while contemplating how to conquer unknown foes.

the heart curtsies to the palace of temptation, turns her back and walks away, never allowing the damned current of emotions into her realm. Savoring for herself the sweet lilacy dreams of settling for general needs. infidelity is now.... a heartbeat away....

save yourself while the strings dangle loosely. Dont attach yourself to a being that slowly.... killing themself... from the inside....


one....








dream......









at a...............

















TIME!!!!!!!

the tight ropes getting thinner

i just dont know what to do anymore. my heart hurts, my head aches, my stomach recoils. i just want to vomit all the hypocritical lies out o fmy soul and start fresh. But how? How do i do that? i dont have a lot of time, i dont have patience, i dont even know where i'd began.

i need to better my body and my heart. I need to educate myself and exercise my mind. But which do i start with first? which would prepare me best for the other?

i'm just so lost. I dont knw what i want to do anymore (save my degree). I want to move out, i want to stay home. I want to work on my car, my room, my art, my collections, my dogs, etc... so much i want to do, yet i never do ANY of it. I dont know WHO i am anymore.

i think i've gotten myself so used to hiding behind a smile, letting myself imagine that a world can exist with no bad, that i am the clown performing to make others happy, and not truly caring if i do or not.

my sanity and heart are being washed away.....

condemned to a life of tears, of anguish, of hate. The day has been a rocky roller coaster, and my life feels like its a bout to break. I dont know what i'm donig anymore. If i didnt fear the outcome, i'd be really close to committing inconceivable acts.

But the fear, as always (but in some ways i'm happy), holds me back.

My life has become a twisted, elegant, play of irony and hypocrisy. Creating a tango foreign to my existence, something i need to survive. Ive thrown myself into the rabbit hole, still trying after all this time to figure out which ways up and right.

Anger seethes in my veins, seeps out on a tongue clasped tightly between teeth so as to not step out of character. eyelids burn iwth a desire for the unreal, but fate has other plans. Sleepless unholy nights ahead for now and all eternity. Sleep is for the weak and inhuman. HAHA... what funny words my mind plays when the obvious lacking *sighs* quietly into a bullhorn.

Dont be noticed, but cant live without acknowledgement. The irony is sugary coated, tempting hte holy virgin on high heeled lies and gossamer dreams. A night created soley to devirginize a mind and its soul.