*sigh*

So many changes, and yet not enough.

 

Supposed to be getting ready to move out of home into my own place.  But that’s been set on hiatus for just awhile longer. T ill march or may.  That way I can save and get myself out of unknown hot water.  I cant wait, but I’d rather be able to afford it.  LOL… I do not want to work my first semester, and it'd be so nice if I could maneuver that.  So nice.  J  also, I don’t want ANY bills, and I want to be able to have some things for up there.  Like my sewing machine/table, my desk, my  new computer, my art desk, my scrap booking materials/desk… all sorts of things that’d id like it if it works out.

 

I want and will become more creative… get these ideas and the juices out.  J  I want to make my own sheets, tablecloth, clothes and so much more.  That way I can make stuff and sell it and earn some money.  *sigh*  wouldn’t that be absolutely wonderful.  J

 

I’m talking to David now thru texts and am so excited.  I’m going to invest in stuff for backpacking/hiking so I can start getting out more.  I need to start living a much healthier lifestyle and now is the time to start.  J  I’m so excited for it.  I just cant hold back the grins… here. 

 

Well, i've got work to do, so I’m closing this out.  J  Till later darlings.

How long can i hold out?

There have been so many times that i've just wished to give up. To let some unfathomable force come and end this existence so i can start afresh in a new life. But fear keeps the thoughts from lasting long. fear of something hearing and acting upon my spontaneous anger & depression. How do i fight the evil that is slowly enveloping my soul, my being? I dont know how to make myself be sunshine again. I dont know how to smile truly anymore. I fake it like i fake everything else. Pure happiness is a myth, a faery tale, a legend to me. Its a stranger who whisks by on winter eves and blows a chill down my spine.

I ache with longing for things i know nothing of. A hopeless romantic, sordid realist, tantric dreamer... i'm everything here and inbetween, yet i'm nothing at all. I'm just a speck on this earth like sand is just a speck on the beach. I dont shine brightly enough, to light someones life. How do i shine for someone else when i cannot shine for myself.

The ache brings me back, time and time again, to the reality who's harshness stings my eyes.

A time when suffering is no longer needed

I wish there was a place, a time, a space where suffering could be forgotten. a world where only the joys of the heart existed. Another being to snuggle with, to share secrets and hopes and possibilities with. I wish there could exist a plane where we could go to be free, free of all that binds us to this world