ANOTHER NIGHT SUBMISSION

Here is a gift i started for someone close to me. its nowhere near finished and this is before i did the next step, add stars.  It looks even cooler now that i've added the stars. :)

I have to add the names still andseal it. Will add pics with the stars as soon as i can. :)  but love how the sky turned out!!

Creative Every Day Challenge - February Theme "NIGHT"

this month has been on thats been nothing but roller coasters.  First, things start to look up and get better, then the rugs pulled out from under me and i feel like i'm suffocating on responsibilities, lies and expectations from others. 
a Year ago i lost someone pretty important.  Dusti Jo Barkley had given birth 2/14/2011.  not even a week later she was taken to the hospital for trouble breathing, in which she was put into a medically induced coma to allow medicines and procedures to take affect.  During this coma, she had  a blod clot that travelled to her brain.  Long, complicated story short, she was declared brain dead 2/24/11 and they took her off life support at midnight 2/25/2011.  She didn't even get a full week with her son, Everett Waylan Barkley.  This has been a rough year for all who knew and loved her, and it was only made harder and worse with the issues and problems that her now widow has caused.  Thankfully those of us who truly knew and cared about her have been keeping her memory going and untarnished.

Having lived up in Flagstaff for almost two years, i had found a spot that became my go to when i need to get away and think.  Hardly anyone went up there at night which made it so much easier to get away when i needed to.  Now that i've moved back down to Phoenix, i miss this spot, especially lately when things have been going south.  That is what has inspired my submission for February.  Because this spot can only be truly enjoyed at night, when it is dead silent and pitch black that you feel like you could reach out and scoop the stars from the sky.  The background picture for my blog is near the my hideaway.  The way the sky is in this picture is compareable but not exact to my view.  Yes, flagstaff is a dark city so the sky is this full and star studded.  It is an amazing place to jsut go, stare, get lost in your thoughts and relax. 
Right now with how things are going in my life, i need my spot more then ever, but must find another one if i'm to survive the trials and tribulations being thrown at me.  I do recommend finding your own safe place and enjoy it often when you need to gather your thoughts and calm down.  It makes a difference in your sanity.

My Submission:

Safe place with the two that keep me sane...

The idea for the picture came while i was just free writing.  I don't care too much for the words, but i'm pretty content with teh picture.  i was sitting at my desk at work when the inspiration hit, so i had to used what i had handy. Different types of pens and a highlighter. :)  Not my greatest piece of work, but it was definitely cathartic for me.

So much easier said then done...

I've let people think that they can replace me, and thats partially my fault.  i've vowed to myself never again, and yet its happened again with teh same damn person.  I've decided that i cant keep being the petty, angry person i've been because of this person, and yet everytime i read something about how they've had fun with these replacements or how they are now the 'married couple' (used to be an inside joke about us), i hurt even more inside.

I can count how many true friends i have on one hand, with one finger.  Its sad, but i really don't have anyone in my life at all, except for my parents.  And i can't always go runing to them for everything or depend on them for everything and to have someone to do something with.

ugh! i honestly don't know what i'm trying to say on this damn post, except that i needed someplace to vent and don't have anywhere else but here.  i have a pounding headache and just cant focus. grrr

but other then that, i had a good day.  I went to see WICKED with my mom, aunt and a friend and it was absolutely amazing.  Knew it was going to be, but very very rarely has a production moved me to tears.  Just was in absolute awe...

guess i'll go crash now for the night.  i have a ton of cleaning tomorrow to do before my work week and i have alot to plan for and need to figure out how i'm going to post my pictures for the creative challenge.  I also need to figure out finances and start learning new ways to be creative.  need my outlet for all the betrayal and frustration i've been feeling lately!

Pleasant dreams!!

2-3-12 Untitled

It won't shut off,
vivid memories of regret & betrayal.
Self destruct mode on,
Abort sequence never shared.
A sad cruel joke uttered behind bloodied backs.

Denial & wishful thinking,
the cyanide of a naive soldier.
Immunity grants a second chance too many.
Suicide is the only way to be free.
Slice the bondages with ones words,
and leap blindly.



I'm not entirely sure where this came from. I know im laying in bed at the moment, trying to sleep and yet my mind just will not shut off.  I keep thinking about the same two things that keep overpowering all my sanity.  I guess in a sense, this is a poem of myself being a soldier in a war of my depression.  & suicide isn't meant as literal for me to do, but is meant that i need to sacrifice myself in order to be free of whats bothering me.  ugh, i know what i mean and yet i cant get the words to work with me... *sigh*  If i cannot think properly, cannot word properly... then it is surely time for bed for me.  sleep well... as i hope my dreams are much better then last nights.

Amazingly appropriate and happily coincidental

While looking up a few other songs, i came across this.  I love her stuff, and i'm happy that shes finally releasing more. But this happened to be exactly how i've been feeling lately... reason why i don't allow myself to romantically feel for anyone....

MetaMorphis

Stereotypical title, i know.  But i just could not think of something that would describe this point in my life.  I'm changing.  My World is changing.  My views, my goals, my loved ones... They're all changing.  I'm no longer the same Spring I was when i first moved back to the Valley.

I'm becoming better.  I'm working out, trying to eat healthy, providing myself with mental goals and physical goals.  ANything to keep me stimulated and to keep the dark thoughts at bay.

But i'm still hitting rough patches because of the hurt & betrayal from loved ones.  They don't see where they've done me wrong and when i've tried to point it out, it got flipped on me.  So needless to say, its just not worht the fight when i'm constantly made to be the bad guy.  SO i'm just pulling up my 'boot straps' and carrying on.  They will always be big parts of my life, but i will no longer let them think that they can replace me and i will still be there for them no matter what. 

Now, i'm there for myself and my parents, & its mostly myself.  THankfully my parnts understand and completley support me.  And to be honest, it has taken everything in their control to not go completely MOTHER BEAR on the people who have hurt me.  All the more reason why i have issues telling them when somethings bothering me or when i've been hurt.  But i'm trying to be alot more honest with my parents.  They deserve that much.  I'm their only child and I'm tired of making them hurt because I won't tell them anything.
& now, i have to figure out how to tell the biggest disappointment to my father.  & that scares me mroe then anything.  I know i fucked up, BAD & HUGE!! but i don't know how to tell him and for him to understand what was going on.  That i will make it up to him.  I have a plan figured out that i think will work. If not, it can be fixed to work.  Long story short, he paid for a semester of university about 2 weeks before the next events.  I was stuck up in my college town without a job for almost 3 years. I was breaking, i was not healthy in any way and i was close to harming myself.  I was planning my moms surprise 50th, making all invites by hand, making reservations, doing EVERYTHING.  My old job got offered to me and i said yes without thinking. Well, when i cancelled my classes, the money was put into my bank account and not back on my dads card.  I used some of it to pay for stuff for my moms party and i had mentioned it to my dad. he never mentioned it again, so like a dumbass and a very mentally unstable jobless broke college student, i spent it.  I still don't know what the hell all the money went to.  I barely remember anything during that time.  Not one damn thing almost.
Again, i was depressed.  Extremely! I was buying shit, buying animals, eating, screwing up my sleep schedules, not attending classes, all sorts of stuff.  I was wanting to cut myself, to kill myself, to just wander off somewhere and never have anyone worry about me again.  I was in a very bad place and i was trying to take care of it all on my own.  & whats worse, my dad doesnt believe in depression.  Especially doesnt understand why i would be depressed when he was covering everything (rent, food, bills, school, etc). 

I felt like a waste, a burden.  I wanted to fall off hte earth so that my dad never had to pay for another thing again.  So my mom and i would stop fighting.  SO i wouldn't embarrass then anymore and not be upset that i wasn't making them proud.  There was so much going on and i wasn't able to handle it like i was in the past.  And the fact that i felt like i was isolated from the world wasn't helping.  None of my friends (save one when she was able to get a day off)  would drive up and see me.  I was driving down and only seeing one person.  & it wasn't enough.  My dream of going to my Dream College has become my prison cell.  I wasn't making friends, was having issues with other students in classes, i was older then all of the kids in my classes and my room mate.  Everyone i was around was fresh out of highschool, and here i was, 25-27 & i was just completley out of place.

I know they sound like excuses, but i have no way of emphasizing that i was in a bad bad place & i was struggling.  & because of that, i blew thru a semester of tuition & honestly have no clue where the hell it went to.  I've been trying to figure out where to get a loan to cover it so i can just pay off the loan and not worry about it, so i don't have to disappoint him yet again.  & yet, thats all i'm going to do.  Normally, it wouldn't be a big problem.  Tell him, he doesn't talk to me for awhile while i try to fix the situation... but I work with him.  So i will see him most of the days of my weeks.  & this is the man who refused to talk to me when i got my nose pierced.  My mom had to yell at him to talk to me because they were going on a trip and she didn't want somethign to happen and that be the last thing any of us remember.  That we never said goodbye or love you.  I wish he could look at it that i fucked up, i know i fucked up and i will make sure and fix this mistake ASAP.

Being an only child has its problems and this is definitely the worse of them.  This burden is only mine to bear, i have no one else to depend on if they stop talking to me, and no matter what i do i will usually end up disappointing them because there is no one else to compare to.

ugh, my mind is this huge jumble now and now this post hasn't even really touched on what inspired it.  Instead, i'm venting/bitching and dont even want to touch the original topic....   But its good that i'm blogging again.  Quick fingers, keyboard and a mostly anonymous audience will help me get my life back on track.  I'll be able to vent and not let things eat my  alive, not dwell as much on situations and i WILL get creative again.

*fingers crossed*  Nows the time for me to throw myself in a cocoon to become the butterfly/moth i'm destined to be... (haha, sorry, i laughed at how corney that sounds)...

Fighting For My Survival

Lately, it seems like i'm just exisitng and allowing myself to keep being hurt.  Well, i'm finding different ways to try and overcome this.  Actually fight so i survive and LIVE....  Photo challenges, art challenges and writing challenges... I may start to become overwhelmed, but at least i will have some way of having an outlet... :)  This year, it is all about me and perfecting myself and making myself SHINE!!

NOTHING Left To Lose...

I'm at that point in my life where I don't know what the hell I'm doing or what I want to do.  I have ideals of grandeur, things I wish to accomplish and experience.  I’ve always let fear hold me back, tie me up and distract me.  But not now.

I have NOTHING to lose.

Not one damned thing.

I’ve been living in a shallow grave for most of my life.  Just floating around and existing.  Letting things happen and not acting upon situations and chances.  But now that I have no one holding me back, I can only head up and rise against all the wrongs done to me by others and myself.

I’ve let people think I’m replaceable, & now its time for me to show them I’m not.

I’ve been overlooked, ignored, replaced, taken advantage of, forgotten, lied to, hurt, destroyed, broken down, smothered, bittered, emotionally savaged, kicked, etc. 

And I CANNOT & WILL NOT let it continue on.  It is time that I become my own role model and make MYSELF proud.